Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Satan petitioning US government for bailout money after Jerry Sandusky trial
6/23/2012 9:04 PM Matt Rock
Dark Master of the Underworld Satan, age 8, has issued a formal petition to the United States federal government earlier today, insisting Hell receive a bailout to help pay for all of the new torture equipment they're going to need when former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky becomes their long-term resident, after he dies in prison sometime in the future.
Sandusky, who was recently convicted of 45 criminal counts of sexual assault on 10 different boys, will be staying in the famed “Hitler House of Horrors,” located in Hell near the corners of Napoleon Boulevard East and Caligula Avenue. Construction on the facility was finished in April of 1939, in preparation for Hitler's arrival in 1945. But Satan and his minions say the building has since become over-populated, and hasn't undergone any major restorations since 1998, when Saloth Sar (aka “Pol Pot”) moved in after his death.
“We really only built the Hitler House for Adolf himself, but added an extension in the 1960's so we could torture more of the worst of the worst,” explained Satan, in a phone interview with PTP earlier today. “Extension and all, the facilities can only handle forty one people, including Hitler, who still resides in the main building and gets tortured there nonstop. But Today, we have around seventy residents in the Hitler House, and we very desperately need to build a whole new wing.”
Satan's petition is asking the US Government for nearly $50 million, which they say will be spent on building a new “Sandusky Wing.” More than 40% of Hell's current budget of just over $666 billion is being spent on R&D for new torture methods and devices.
House Republicans are insisting that Hell should cut that spending in order to make room for the Sandusky wing construction project, But Satan begs to differ. “This recession has spread out of the mortal world into ours. We've drastically cut our spending, to the point where we can barely afford to force-feed Kim Jong Il 10 gallons of human feces per day. It should be 50 gallons. And if Congress forces us to tighten our belts any further, I'm worried Jerry Sandusky won't get the treatment down here that he really deserves. We've sent countless corporate lobbyists. I mean hey, it's not like they're in short supply around here, you know? But now it's time for Congress to act. Once Sandusky gets shanked, we'll officially be out of time!” - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.