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Supreme Court finds “Wal-Mart” workaround for Arizona bill, Citizens United
6/25/2012 3:30 PM Matt Rock
In an unprecedented move that will surely leave its mark on the history books, the US Supreme Court decided today that Arizona's controversial immigration policy and Citizens United both have a common solution: let Wal-Mart handle it.
The Supreme Court has found that Arizona's SB 1070, better known as the “papers please” bill, should be stricken from the State's laws immediately, but that massive American retail giant Wal-Mart should come up with a solution to the issue. They've also affirmed that Wal-Mart can take on any future rulings related to Citizens United, their previous ruling that allows corporations to pretty much own our election system, far, far more than they already had.
“Wal-Mart does everything really well. We think governance is the next logical step for them,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia on the decision. “We've been dragging our feet on this stuff because we know the free markets are better than the government at everything. And Wal-Mart pretty much makes up the whole of our free markets in this country. So, Wal-Mart will get to handle immigration, and we'll leave it up to them what to do with Citizens United, too. I think the whole government should just be replaced with Wal-Mart. They can offer police, fire, health, and an army. They're going to need to have some young impoverished East Asian children sew up some more of those blue vests!”
Shortly thereafter, Wal-Mart released a press statement in response to the Supreme Court's ruling. “We are deeply honored by the Supreme Court's decision to let us run the nation. We believe the American people are really going to enjoy our rule! Watch out for our falling taxes... well, for the millionaires that make up our board of directors, anyway!” - Return to Previous Page
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