Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Pardon the Pundit makes official bid to purchase CNN in major expanse move
6/30/2012 9:45 AM Matt Rock -
PTP, the website you're visiting right now, has made an official offer to Cable News Network, better known as CNN, in an effort to purchase the decaying news outlet and build it back up into a profitable, competitive cable news agency.
“We offered them $300, a $20 gift certificate for Best Buy, and a case of Budweiser,” explained Greg, PTP's Founder, when I used my awesome journalism skills to walk down the hall to his office and ask him about the deal. “It's easily the best offer they've gotten. News Corp offered to pick them up for a dozen scratch-off lottery tickets and a box of cereal, and I guess Viacom offered then $7.68 that they scrounged from the couches around their offices. So we're definitely in the lead here.”
“We're strongly considering PTP's buyout offer, and taking it very seriously,” said CNN President Ken Jautz. “We're well aware that CNN is a dying company. Turner Broadcasting, and their parent company Time Warner, have already indicated to me that this is the best offer they're likely to get for CNN, and their tone tells me we might be under new management soon.”
Should the deal take place, PTP's Chief of Staff Matt Rock (hey, that's me!) would take over as President of CNN (sweet!). Through the liquidation of some of CNN's assets, Matt Rock would earn a 15% pay raise (wicked!). However, he would also need to wear a suit and tie to work (wait, what?), give up his parking space for Anderson Cooper (dude, pump the brakes here, what are you...), and clear out the vintage Coca Cola vending machine in his office to make space for a desk where Wolf Blitzer could work (okay, seriously, I think I might get sick). Also, Rock would need to share his private restroom with some members of the incoming CNN staff (Well, I guess now I CAN'T get sick!). - Return to Previous Page
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