Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Republicans fire back against Supreme Court decision with “mandates” of their own
6/28/2012 8:15 PM Matt Rock
Outraged by the Supreme Court's ruling earlier today that the Affordable Care Act, better known as “Obamacare,” is constitutional, Republicans in the House and Senate have teamed up to release a full list of other “mandates” that they'll be issuing as quickly as they can. And while the President will most likely veto these mandates, which are all being crammed into a single bill, the GOP feels confident that it will somehow manage to pass.
“The Supreme Court said the health care mandate is like a tax, so that gives us a strong legal precedent to push our own mandates,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “So we're going to use this to our advantage, and really start changing America, in a good way of course. Way better than Obama's mandated socialism, that's for darn sure!”
The mandates that the GOP will push in the bill remain a mystery, as the potential legislation hasn't been fully authored yet. However, PTP was able to do a bit of snooping around Capitol Hill today, and we've managed to come by a rough draft of their proposals. Here is the list we've obtained:
Every American household must contain at least one firearm, because guns are totally awesome
Every American household must contain at least one copy of the New Testament, and not one of those wacky bastardized cultist versions, like the Mormon one or the Jehovah's Witnesses one.
Every American must purchase and consume at least one fast food meal per week. Suck it, Michelle Obama!
Every American must buy a copy of each new book published by Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, and Ann Coulter, within one month of its release
Every American must own at least one piece of official NASCAR merchandise. They must wear this item to gain entry into shopping malls, movie theaters, grocery stores, and/ or professional soccer events
Every American must visit the Reagan library once per year. Failure to do so may result in a loss of United States citizenship - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.