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Katie Holmes suing Obama, says President inspired Tom Cruise to split
6/29/2012 8:16 PM Matt Rock
Hollywood starlet Katie Holmes filed for divorce earlier today, ending her five-year relationship with blockbuster movie star Tom Cruise. And before the media could even think up a clever headline, Holmes' lawyers filed a second lawsuit, which they claim is also related specifically to her marriage falling apart... against President Barack Obama.
PTP traveled out to the Holmes/ Cruise residence in Los Angeles, after learning that Cruise was staying with longtime friend and fellow Scientologist John Travolta. Holmes was reluctant to grant us an interview, but after confirming our journalistic integrity by punching a TMZ paparazzi douche in the crotch, Holmes let us through the gate to have a brief, teary-eyed chat.
“Tom just hasn't been the same since Obama announced his support of gay marriage,” Holmes explained. “When the President made his statement, Tom started jumping on the sofa in our living room, cheering and screaming. He told me it was a great day, and that it would `change everything.' I didn't know what he meant until now.”
Holmes went on to explain that shortly after President Obama's announcement, John Travolta showed up at their home. “Tom and John just vanished into the basement with the door locked. I heard a lot of giggling and wrestling around, and I thought I heard John ask Tom to `finish the massage the good way,' but I think that was just my imagination, and he was actually saying `finish cramming that cooling rod into this engine hole.” I figured they were just really happy for gay and lesbian couples. But when I'd ask if they were okay, they'd just say they were building a spaceship together, you know, like all Scientologists do in their basements or garages, for when the comet comes and... well, I can't say more about that.”
Holmes said she confronted Cruise a few days later, but he ignored her. She attempted once again, though. “I came home early yesterday, and Tom and John were in the shower together. They'd just worked up a sweat while building the spaceship, and were saving water because they both care about the environment. But the way he treated me afterward... I think he's having an affair. I don't know who it's with, but I know it's happening! So we're getting a divorce, and I'm suing Obama. I don't know what it was about Obama's speech that made Tom act this way, but I want answers, gosh darn it!” - Return to Previous Page
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