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Six helpful PTP tips on how to stay cool during the heat wave
6/30/2012 3:19 PM Matt Rock
Holy crap... it's as hot as Satan's taint when he's wearing long johns in a bakery's kitchen in the lowest layer of Hell, isn't it? Temperatures like this can be quite dangerous if you aren't prepared, so PTP (that's us!) decided to take a short break from our usual political news coverage to share some helpful heatwave tips with our readers. We hope this advice we're offering you will help keep you cool!
Tip #1 – Avoid politicians, car salesmen, hipsters, Wall Street traders, lobbyists, reality TV stars, and other people that are full of hot air. They can raise your body temperature by as much as 40º, just by breathing on you!
Tip #2 – Make sure you head out to your car and take a picture of the temperature from your dashboard. Everyone on Facebook wants to know how hot it is where you are, because they enjoy knowing that you're just as sweaty and gross as they are.
Tip #3 – Aim a fan at your crotch, but DO NOT sit too close! It's quite common to feel a bit swampy down there in weather like this, but for your safety, please be mindful of where the blades are. Also, this helps ensure the safety of others. The only thing worse than feeling sweaty and gross is getting hit in the face with someone's crotch shrapnel. It'll turn everyone's weekend into mush... just like your fanned bits.
Tip #4 – If any of your friends burst into flames, don't cry about it. Your tears might simmer and burn your eyes, making you blind. And if you're blind, you won't be able to evade that friend of yours that's running around on fire.
Tip #5 – Don't stand in front of the air conditioner, taking up all that cold, conditioned air, you selfish dick! Other people are trying to stay cool, too! And besides, no one wants to smell you. It's bad enough being hot.
Tip #6 – Don't be clingy today with your significant other. Cuddling, holding hands, and hugging is fun and all, but not when you're standing on the sun. You'll have plenty of opportunities to show the entire world that you've marked your territory next week, after the planet has cooled down a bit. Besides, your significant other isn't all that attractive right now anyway. Look at them. They're sweaty, their hair is all sticky on their face, they're beat-red... yeah, let me get those digits! Or, you know, not so much.
We hope these tips help you beat the heat! If not, sorry... we're baking in this office just like you are! - Return to Previous Page
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Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
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