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Obama orders drone strikes on ACME plants after Iranian long-range missile tests
7/3/2012 3:04 PM Matt Rock
At 2:58 pm EST, President Obama issued an order to the Joint Chiefs to begin drone strikes on eight ACME facilities throughout the Middle East, three of which are situated in Iran, after the Iranian military tested long-range missiles earlier today. Iranian State TV claims that this military action was a direct assault on their sovereignty, to which President Obama responded with urging for Iran's leadership to smoke more marijuana, noting it would “chill them out” and may be the only road to peace for the embattled region.
Keyhole satellite images released by the White House moments before this article was published show that all eight facilities have been destroyed. The Pentagon says that four of the facilities built missiles and rockets. One facility produced roller skates with rockets built into the heels, another built rockets for bicycles, and another facility created miscellaneous products, including cigars, tennis balls, and ballpoint pens, all of which contain explosives. The eighth factory is rumored to have produced black paint that could be used to grant passage to Iranian military forces, but would cause trailing military threats to slam into the side of a mountain.
“Death to America! Death to Roadrunner!” announced Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who railed against the attacks in a fiery speech from Tehran on State TV. “Those ACME facilities produced medicine, food, and puppies! PUPPIES! The Western devils will feel our wrath for this despicable, heinous crime! We will build a giant catapult and fling ourselves at them, holding a barrel of dynamite! This plan can't possibly go wrong!”
The drone strikes cause issues for the United States government domestically. ACME is an American corporation with strong overseas operations. The corporation is threatening legal action against the United States, and have reportedly approached Mitt Romney's presidential campaign, asking the GOP candidate to speak out against the attacks, noting that Romney's company, Bain Capital, invested heavily in ACME in the 1990's. - Return to Previous Page
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