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PTP's obligatory news media super-patriotic 4th of July expose!
7/4/2012 3:44 PM Matt Rock
You may have never noticed this, but each Independence Day, the news media broadcasts special reports that are meant to either make you feel more patriotic, or make you feel guilty for not being patriotic enough. They usually discuss things like veteran affairs, or the pride of workers in a small town factory, or teenagers organizing to give flags to the homeless... something that will bring a tear to your eye and your hand to your heart.
Not to be outdone, PTP set out this year to create our own ultra-patriotic report, and we think we may have topped our rivals. After months of searching, we managed to find a homeless veteran who was laid off from his factory job on the Fourth of July, but was inspired by teenagers to win the lottery and experience the American dream! And what's the name of this patriot? Thomas Jefferson-Washington!
Thomas (his friends refer to him as “Toe Jam”) is the son of Betsy Jefferson and John Washington. He was born on the Fourth of July in 1971. Thomas says that after his parents died in 1989, he joined the Marines, fighting in Operation Desert Storm, after which he returned to his native hometown of Peoria, Illinois, where he worked in a factory sewing American flags.
“The factory shut down in, oh, I think it was 2003 or so. Been homeless ever since,” said Thomas, who used to be a homeless resident of the alleys behind PTP's world headquarters in Washington DC. “I dabbled in meth a little, and went on an epic cross-country journey, offering my services as a dragon-slayer in each town I came across. Damn near got killed doing that, but it got me all the way to Washington.”
That's when fortune smiled on him. According to Thomas, he found a $1 bill lying on the street. Just as he was picking it up, some teenagers told him to buy a lottery ticket instead of booze, before throwing some rocks at him. Thomas took their advice, and managed to actually win the lottery. He's now a small business owner, having founded “Toe Jam's Dragon Hunters Inc.” a few months ago. The company hunts dragons, and also sells supplies related to the crafting and sale of crystal meth. They also advertise a service where they turn your spare change into booze, which they themselves drink, for a nominal 50% fee.
“I'm a fucking American hero now, man. A Hero!” Thomas continued. “I'm living the American dream! Of course, all of this would have been avoidable if we, as a nation, treated our vets a little better, and took unemployment more seriously, and made it a little bit harder to become homeless. But whatever, I won the lottery! So yeah, my advice to your readers? Take a few minutes to thank a veteran or two for their service today, and instead of throwing out that food from your barbeque, offer it to someone in need! And if you see any dragons running around eating virgins and spitting fire, call Toe Jam! I'll sort that lizard out right quick!” - Return to Previous Page
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