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Thaddeus McCotter retiring from Congress, taking up quest to retrieve magical amulet
7/9/2012 9:34 AM Matt Rock
Representative Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) recently announced that he is resigning from his seat in Congress. But while the media assumed he'd decided to retire due to his miserably-failed presidential bid, or to work on writing his oddly-titled pilot episode for a TV series he hopes to make called “Bumper Sticker: Made On Motown,” PTP learned today that McCotter actually has a pretty major challenge ahead of him: An epic, mystical quest to recover a powerful magical amulet from a vicious dragon hellbent on destroying the whole of the Earth.
According to sources within McCotter's congressional office, a 2,000 year old dragon known only as “Soulcrusher the Merciless” has managed to obtain “the Amulet of Sorrows,” which one of his minions bought for $15 in a pawn shop in Detroit, along with a pair of old 1970's roller skates and an original copy of Hall & Oates' perennial 1981 platinum record “Private Eyes,” on vinyl.
“Thaddeus has a human dad, and his mom is half-elf, half-hobbit. I mean, listen to the guy's name! So this is what he was really `born' to do,” said one of McCotter's aides. “I don't think people realize just how dangerous this situation is. If Soulcrusher frees himself from his underground prison, he could destroy Detroit! No one would really notice or care, of course... I mean come on, it would be an improvement, you know? But then he might destroy Ann Arbor or Lansing, or maybe go south and take out Toledo Ohio! He could destroy the whole world!”
McCotter will begin his epic quest on Monday. Sources say he'll be armed only with a sword, a medieval crossbow, an ancient book of spells that make Chris Angel look more like a birthday magician than he already does, and his razor-like cunning and wit. President Obama is standing by with SEAL Team Six though, just in case McCotter gets himself gobbled up, or gets injured and doesn't manage to find a pinkish-red glowing heart in a jar someplace. - Return to Previous Page
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