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GW Bush: “I `decidered' not to go to the convention,” says he's clearing brush
7/21/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
Former President George W. Bush will not be attending the Republican National Convention in Tampa next month, saying that his new hobby of clearing brush on other peoples' property is “important post-presidential work,” and that if he doesn't clear as much brush as he can this summer, “the terrorists win.”
“I was the great decider. And I decidered not to go to the convention this year,” Bush explained during a rare press conference earlier today. “Brush is wicked and evil. I done cleared all the brush on my property since I quit being President, and now I done got all the brush in Texas to clear! I ain't got time for conventions! Heh-heh-heh.”
The former president paused momentarily, apparently distracted by a squirrel, before continuing. “Laura said I've been spending too much time clearing brush, but a man has to fight terrorism, fur-in and domesticated, like a house cat. I don't like cats. Dogs are awesome. A dog could totally kick a cat's ass in a fight. You know dogs can lick their own balls? I never knew that! Man, if I could do that... anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, right... the convention. There ain't no brush at the convention, so I ain't goin'.”
Officially, Mitt Romney's campaign seemed nearly upset that former President Bush had refused to go. But one Romney campaign insider seemed pretty happy about it. “We're having enough problems right now between Bain Capital and my... uh... Mr. Romney's... tax returns. The last thing we need is to have George W. Bush stumping for us, and reminding people of how terrible he was for the economy. If Bush decides to change his mind, I won't extend another invitation to him, or my name isn't Mitt... uh... Mitterson.” - Return to Previous Page
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