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Aliens cancel plans to invade Earth
7/18/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden -
A senior Pentagon official has confirmed that a planned invasion of Earth by an alien race of super-intelligent, insect-like creatures has been called off. The official, who wishes to remain anonymous because he is not authorized to comment on the record, told PTP News that intercepts of secret alien transmissions indicated that the invasion was called off at the last minute when creatures from the planet Tramadore 6, which circles a sun 329 light years from our own solar system, concluded that taking over Earth wouldn’t be worth the effort. Once the decision was reached, the invading force, which had taken up attack positions in geosynchronous orbit around our planet, engaged their quantum drive and started the long journey home to what remains of their dying world.
According to Defense Department sources, the aliens called off the invasion after meeting with global political leaders to negotiate the peaceful surrender of the human race. The negotiations had been proceeding smoothly as representatives from Russia, China, Japan, Great Britain and all of the other major world powers came to terms with the inevitability of humanity becoming a primary food source for the Tramadorians. Not surprisingly, France had out-surrendered everyone by offering to cook themselves because, according to their chief negotiator, French President Nicolas Sarcozy, “the rest of the galaxy deserves to experience fine French cuisine.”
It was at this point that leaders from the U.S. joined the discussion, causing negotiations to break down. PTP News has learned that the Americans, fresh from another White House meeting to discuss raising the debt limit, first argued with each other over whether the U.S. Constitution allows for an alien invasion, then couldn’t reach agreement on whether global warming is real, and finally came to blows over the question of whether being eaten by the Tramadorians would constitute a tax hike, with President Obama getting House Majority Leader Eric Cantor in a headlock while trying to force a spoonful of peas down his throat.
This appears to have been the straw that broke the lumpy exoskeletal growths that pass for the Tramadorians’ backs. With a series of clicks, pops and grinding noises, the Tramadorians said that all the arguing was enough to give even slimy, soulless monsters that resemble a young Larry King a splitting headache, then complained that the obnoxious Americans had caused them to lose their appetites and left Earth’s inhabitants to “stew in your own disgusting juices.”
In the midst of the ensuing celebration, President Obama blamed George W. Bush for the state of the U.S. economy, and Chinese President Hu Jintao expressed his country’s gratitude to the Americans by buying Kansas. - Return to Previous Page
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