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Kim Jong Un gets married, takes the phrase “tying the knot” too seriously
7/25/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
North Korea has announced to the world that their leader, Kim Jong Un, has gotten married to a woman named Ri Sol Ju, after more than a dozen attempted marriages ended in the tragic deaths of the women he was courting. Kim Jong Un, the son of dead-as-a-parrot former leader Kim Jong Il, says that he is grateful Ro Sol Ju wasn't killed during her ceremonial wedding hanging.
“This is a great day for me, your glorious leader, and for North Koreans everywhere,” said Kim Jong Un, addressing the nation in a speech broadcast on state television. “My lovely wife dropped, and her neck did not snap, nor did she suffocate to death, nor did she beg or cry. Her neck is bruised, but I'm more of an ass man, so three cheers for the new First Lady!”
Ri Sol Ju, an accomplished North Korean musician, seemed proud of her new husband when she issued a written statement, refusing to speak due to her recent neck injuries. The letter seemed to be stained with tears. “My glorious leader Kim Jong Un is a most loving and gracious and handsome husband, well endowed with the penis of a horse and the heart of a lion. I will give him many babies. Until my neck heals, I give him my full and unhindered permission to have many other women pleasure him, and this does not bother me and I will not get jealous of this, ever.”
North Korea will celebrate the marriage with a dozen executions, three minutes of song, and an extra teaspoon of food and drink rations with the nation's only daily meal for the next three days. State TV is also planning to broadcast in color for up to thirty minutes sometime this year. - Return to Previous Page
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