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USPS offering commemorative “Congress can suck it” stamps
8/1/2012 8:05 PM Matt Rock -
The United States Postal Service will be rolling out new commemorative stamps later this week, in the hopes of pulling them out of a staggering $5.5 billion debt toward retiree health benefits. The new line of stamps, labeled “Congress can Suck It,” are meant as a jab toward the United States Congress, whose controversial 2006 legislation has caused tremendous amounts of grief for the USPS, otherwise the most efficient mail system, public or private, in the world.
“We're offering thirty unique stamps. Each will display congress in various states of dismay,” said Postmaster General Patrick Donahoe. “They range from a child slapping a Congressman in the face with a wiffleball bat, to members of the House and Senate limping away, broken, defeated, and crying in agony, from a dildo factory.”
“We wanted congress to realize how stupid they are,” Donahoe continued. “They went on recess today. Recess! They're off on vacation, and we're defaulting at midnight tonight on $5.5 billion that we owe to retired postal carriers. $5.5 billion that THEY forced US to spend with their stupid laws. Because hey, we can't let any aspect of government be incredibly efficient, with zero-debt, right? We need to break what works so the private sector can come in and break it even more!”
Donahoe says that the commemorative new stamps should generate the $5.5 billion needed to pay their retirees, “seeing as how this is the most hated congress in US history.” Meanwhile, the USPS is assuring American citizens that the default will in no way affect the delivery of their mail. However, most Americans don't really care, because no one sends actual letters anymore, and not many people would mind if their bills and Publisher's Clearing House junk mail were delayed a few weeks. - Return to Previous Page
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