Pardon The Pundit News Feed
News Corp to investigate itself by hacking Julian Assange's phone
7/26/2011 9:57 AM Floyd Harden -
Rocked by allegations of phone hacking in Great Britain, Rupert Murdoch’s company, News Corp, plans to conduct an internal investigation by hacking into the voicemail account of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s cell phone. Speaking to members of Parliament, Murdoch explained, “The best way to sort all this out is to find out what Assange knows. We will get to the bottom of the whole tawdry affair by using the same tried and true journalistic methods that have always guided News Corp: All of the facts - none of the fact-checking.”
Soon after News Corp’s announcement, a spokesman for British Prime Minister David Cameron questioned the company’s methods. “The prudence of investigating oneself by investigating someone else’s investigation of oneself seems questionable at best.”
Informed of this completely bland statement, Murdoch pointed out the reason News Corp reporters may have turned to phone hacking in the first place. “See? The British are dull. How do you expect me to sell newspapers in a country where the most exciting thing that ever happens is a sunny day? The whole of Britain should be kissing my old mangled feet right now for giving them something besides fog and soccer to talk about.”
Meanwhile, in an effort to cover the phone hacking scandal without appearing to be biased in favor of News Corp, FOX News, which is itself owned by News Corp, took time out from making stuff up to broadcast video footage of Rupert Murdoch playing with puppies, attending church, eating an oatmeal and raisin cookie and not hacking into the phones of politicians, celebrities, dead soldiers and murder victims. After playing the footage non-stop for 18 hours, FOX News hacked into the voicemails of their viewers and discovered that 97% strongly agree with the statement, “Rupert Murdoch is the next best thing to Jesus, and Obama hatched from one of those icky pod things like in that movie Alien.”
When Julian Assange learned of News Corp’s “Wikihacks” strategy, he issued a terse statement. “This is outrageous! Does Rupert Murdoch have no shame? I have half a mind to protest this stunning breach of privacy by leaking 300,000 pages of secret documents that prove Prince Charles is bonkers.” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|