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Democrats, Republicans set aside their differences for international bacon day
9/1/2012 3:05 PM Matt Rock -
Every so often, Democrats and Republicans will sit down like adults and have meaningful, mature, sensible conversations with their peers. Today is one of those days, as political forces from both parties come together on the Saturday before Labor Day to celebrate International Bacon Day.
“Most days, I'd tell you Obama is a terrorist sympathizer trying to turn America into a European Muslim slum. But today, I'm all about bacon,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “There's one thing Americans everywhere agree on, and it's how awesome bacon is. It's the one thing that makes Obama normal.”
Vice President Joe Biden made a similar effort to reach across the aisle and show commonality with his rivals. “When Republicans aren't screaming stupidity and foaming at the mouth with craziness, they're eating bacon. It's the only time I'll ever say something good is coming out of, or going into, the mouth of a Republican. On this most holy of holidays, even they're allowed to sit down at the grown-up table and enjoy the greatest food in the world... bacon.”
However, not all politicians think that International Bacon Day is a holiday worth celebrating. “This is the most vile holiday ever!” screamed Congressman Dennis Kucinich, a famed vegan. “Everyone on Capitol Hill just walks right up to me and punches me in the face! It sucks! Do you know how hard it is to go home to my comically-gorgeous wife, all beaten and bruised, with bacon grease all over my clothes? I understand that every other day of the year, I blather endlessly to my fellow legislators about how evil eating meat is. But bacon turns people violent, like bath salts or video games or heavy metal music! We need to outlaw bacon! What do you mean I just lost my reelection? OW! Stop punching me!” - Return to Previous Page
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