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Romney claims evil twin brother "Willy" made series of huge gaffes
9/19/2012 4:05 PM Matt Rock -
Mitt Romney put together what his campaign labeled an “emergency press conference” this afternoon. At that event, Romney, appearing before the cameras bruised and wearing his arm in a sling, made a startling announcement: it wasn't him that committed his almost legendary gaffes throughout the 2012 presidential campaign, but it was in fact his evil twin brother, Willy Romney.
“I'm ashamed to admit this, but it wasn't really me that disenfranchised 47% of Americans, or put people in harm's way with a nonsensical comment about Libya, or joked about firing people and closing factories, or chose Paul Ryan as my running mate, or pinned down a gay kid and shaved his head, or strapped a dog in a kennel to the roof of a car, or blew President Obama's comments out of context and made a meme out of nothing. All of that was perpetrated by William Romney... my evil twin!”
The room filled with sudden “da-da-DAAA!” music, shocking the media in attendance before Romney continued. “William, or `Willy' as we like to call him, is the reason I didn't want to reveal my tax returns. He's been claimed as a dependent for decades. My whole life, Willy has been doing terrible things to people and pinning it on me. And when I told him enough was enough after his whole `47% of Americans are lazy jerks' comment, he beat me up, and that's why I'm injured right now.”
Romney fought back sobs before continuing. “All I ever wanted to do was help people. I joined Bain Capital so I could invest in small businesses and help them prosper. Then Willy showed up and started all that vulture capitalism stuff. I ran for Governor as a moderate Republican, a fiscal conservative and a social liberal, because I believe government should care for the less-fortunate while being financially responsible in the process. Willy has made me appear to contradict myself with all this radical right-wing hooey I would never, ever support. It's so unfair!”
Mitt finally broke down, crying uncontrollably as he attempted to soldier on. “I never should have kept Willy a secret. I should have told the American people about him from day one, and not allowed him to scare me into submission. I hope the American people will forgive me. I hope you'll grant me the opportunity to prove my worth and continue with my presidential aspirations.”
A reporter by the name of Bryan Seaman stood up, asking Romney if he'd hold a joint press conference with his brother to validate his claims, while also mentioning that Romney's injuries appeared to glimmer like makeup. “Oh, Willy? Uh... he'll be busy that day... um... you know, doing evil twin stuff, and, uh... these injuries are totally real. Ouch! It just hurt me to say that! Honest! So, uh... yeah... Romney 2012! Don't hold those earlier stupid comments against me, they were all Willy's fault! I promise!” - Return to Previous Page
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