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Sex scandal rocks the White House
7/25/2011 3:04 PM Matt Rock
An investigative report conducted recently by teams from Fox News and Citizens United has revealed a shocking controversy inside President Obama's family, one that will surely send the political world and the mainstream media into a tailspin for months, if not years: President Obama has been involved in a stunning sex scandal, the likes of which Washington has never seen.
“We've turned over every stone, rooted through every bin, and interviewed every insider,” the text of the report claims. “We were expecting to uncover your run-of-the-mill Washington sex scandal. You know... an intern on the side, or some foot tapping in an airport bathroom, or maybe some wide-angle schlong pictures. But what we found was far more stunning than any of that, or all of that combined. We'd never seen anything like it.”
The outrageous, terrifying truth? President Obama has been having sex with – brace yourselves, readers! – Michelle Obama, and he's been doing this monogamously! Yes, you did read that correctly. Barack Obama, the President of the United States of America and a politician, has been having sexual relations with his wife regularly, without any nookie whatsoever on the side!
“When I voted for hope and change, this wasn't the sort of behavior I was endorsing,” says Janice Willis, 41, of Topeka, Kansas. “My husband and I did want the President to change `business as usual' in Washington, but not `getting down to business as usual.' having sex with his wife only? That crosses a line. That's just too radical for my tastes.”
“What sort of a country is this becoming, where the President [has relations with] his wife?” asked Jacob Dewey, 53, of Orlando, Florida. “I mean, we expect our government officials to set an example for our children, you know? Does Obama think he's too good for a high-class call girl? Does he think he's above ruining blue dresses? I've always heard people on the Right claim the President is arrogant. I never understood what they were blathering about until now.”
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor is said to be working on a bi-partisan bill, set to be presented to Congress later this week, which will require, by law, that the President of the United States carry out no fewer than one extramarital affair every six months.
“President Obama shouldn't feel that he's better than the rest of us,” explained Cantor. “All politicians have sexual relations with people of the opposite sex, or with the same sex, which is worth double points. It's what we do. I haven't had a sex scandal in my career yet, but that's only because I'm good at keeping it a secret. Our new bill will force the President to get it on with at least one person, that isn't his wife, annually.”
“I think we'll all sleep a bit better knowing that the Resolute Desk is getting thoroughly scrubbed down the next morning, if you catch my drift,” Cantor continued. “The President needs to have an affair. It's his political and patriotic duty. And it has to be a good affair, too. The sort that Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson would be proud of.”
President Obama has not yet commented on the new sex scandal. He's expected to hold a press conference on the Rose Garden lawn tomorrow morning, depending on how exhausted he is from whatever he and Michelle do together later tonight. - Return to Previous Page
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