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Seniors protest debt ceiling fiasco
7/31/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
As tensions rapidly mount this weekend amidst the debt ceiling debate, thousands of senior citizens have taken to the streets of Washington DC in protest of the looming threat of Social Security checks and Medicare payments stopping. The seniors, many of whom are over the age of 70, have flooded the Mall near the Reflecting Pool without an assembly permit, and refuse to budge one inch until their concerns are addressed.
“This is ludicrous,” explained one of the seniors, Abigail Purdue, 78, of Florida. “These young whippersnappers, with their loud rocking and rolling and their hopping hippity music... that whole generation is useless I tells ya, useless! My daughter hasn't visited me in two months. Two months! That goes to show what these darn kids are good for. Nothing!”
“In my day, things were much harder than they are now,” said George Garth, 89, also of Florida. “And you know what? We got [expletive] done! We had to `walk' to the Capitol in those days... uphill both ways, in the snow! We didn't have no fancy shoes or nothing...” George dosed off for a few moments before continuing. “And so me and a couple uh fellas said to her, we said, `We'll give you a nickel if you show us your...” again, George dosed off. “And that's how I killed me my first German officer. And if I can do all that, I don't see why this here Congress can't...” George fell asleep a third time, and just as we were ready to walk away, he woke up to finish. “Why, I'd smack that Boehner right in the mouth if he ever said something like that to my daughter! Wait... what were we talking about?”
Authorities claim they were caught off guard by the large Sunday gathering, and aren't sure how to disperse the crowd. “The problem is that many of these people remind us of our parents or our grandparents, and in a number of cases, they actually are,” explained Washington DC Metropolitan Chief of Police Cathy L. Lanier. “So we can't handle this the way police normally would, with tear gas and relentless, brutal force. We've been struggling to come up with some alternative that could resolve the situation, but it's tricky. Officers on foot can be easily outrun by motorized wheelchairs, but we can't move in with vehicles because of all the seniors using walkers.”
Lanier claims the Metro police attempted to distract the seniors by luring them to Old Country Buffet, offering special extended breakfast hours, but the seniors had apparently already eaten before any of the police had even woken up. They then attempted to set up a large Jumbo-tron near the mall on the back of an 18-wheeler flat bed truck, playing "Murder She Wrote" and "Jeopardy" for the audience, but this tactic ended in failure when the truck drove away, unplugging the massive screen from the socket. Lanier does however predict that the impromptu Washington March will most likely end by 5pm, when most of the angry protesters will need to go to bed. - Return to Previous Page
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