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Eleventh-hour fiscal cliff deal reached; alcohol said to have brokered deal
1/1/2013 7:05 AM Matt Rock
With only a few hours left on a very long clock, democrats and republicans managed to negotiate a deal that kept the United States from going over the “fiscal cliff,” preventing a sizable tax hike on a majority of Americans and protecting unemployment benefits for millions, while putting off the sequester for two months. The deal was reached by Vice President Joe Biden and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell... and quite a bit of booze between them.
“It was looking pretty grim throughout the day. We were sure there was no hope of making a deal,” said House Speaker John Boehner, who appeared at an early morning press conference with red eyes, messed hair, and clothes that look quite obviously as though he'd slept in them on a floor someplace. “I for one was sure we were about to fail. It was a dismal feeling, for sure.”
“But that's when Joe [Biden] showed up, carrying a twelve-pack in each hand, with a bunch of aides carrying kegs and cases of liquor behind him,” Boehner continued. “He told us we were going to drink until a solution was found. And drink we did. Sweet God almighty... drink we did.”
President Obama, Vice President Biden, House Speaker Boehner, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Mitch McConnell started drinking at approximately 7:30 pm, writing off the early-evening alcoholism as “New Year's festivities.” But they continued to negotiate a deal, kicking back drinks and blasting music throughout Capitol Hill until they finally managed to reach an agreement. The partying then continued well after the fiscal cliff had been averted, raging on until at least 4 am.
“If we knew Washington could get stuff done just by drinking gallons upon gallons of booze, this country would have never had recessions in the first place,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “It really tells you why all those guys back in the old days had whole liquor cabinets in their congressional and senate offices. The 113th congress is going to get hammered before every vote!” - Return to Previous Page
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