Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Mitt Romney addresses popular “magic underwear” myths during Iowa press conference
8/13/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
(DES MOINES, IA) GOP Presidential hopeful and Lands' End catalog “Model of the Year” Mitt Romney spoke today before a reasonably-large gathering of the press in an effort to dispel the rumors circulating that his undergarments possess magical properties. The 64-year old former Massachusetts Governor was quite adamant about his underwear being just as normal as anyone else's.
“Look, Mormons catch a lot of flack for their underwear, but truth be told, my underpants are just as normal as anyone else's here,” explained Romney. “People joke that Mormons wear `magic' underwear, but that simply isn't the case. Our underpants represent our faith, and remind us that we need to stay pure. Every single time we see our underpants on us, it's like God is saying `dude, I know you're all alone, and you thought Jim's third wife was pretty risque showing off those ankles of hers, but look at your underwear!' It's like a chastity belt, but without all the chaffing.”
Romney responded harshly to a question from the audience from a journalist asking how the underwear could stop someone from playing with themselves. “Look, it's all a part of the Mormon faith, okay? The underwear is just a last line of defense. Whenever I pee, I need to use my special Mormon salad tongs to handle the equipment. When I'm showering, I need to use a special sponge-ladle with needles sticking out of it, to make sure I get zero pleasure from washing downstairs. It's all a rather small price to pay for being so in-touch with God. Without any touching though, obviously.”
When an ABC White House correspondent asked Romney where the myth about Mormon underwear's magical capabilities comes from, Romney shoved both hands into his pants, pulling his underwear off without so much as lifting a leg. “That's where. Mormons can do that. It's something you learn at Brigham Young. Whenever people see that, they think it's magic, but really, it's just being limber from all the years of sexual repression we have to endure for our faith.”
A few moments later, Romney moved the underwear slightly, and a rabbit fell out of them, followed briefly by a dove flying out of them into the air. “I don't know how that happened! Our underwear isn't magic, I swear! Well, I don't swear to God, that's just wrong, but yeah, I promise – that's better – I promise these underpants aren't magical!”
In a related story, GOP Presidential candidate and former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman also made underwear-related headlines today when, according to numerous eyewitnesses, Huntsman used his Mormon underwear to save a child that had fallen into a well in Eastern Iowa. Witness accounts cite that Huntsman, after removing his underwear in a fashion similar to that of Romney, pulled a long series of handkerchiefs from the supposedly non-magical underwear, using them as a rope to rescue the young child. The boy was reportedly thankful that Huntsman had rescued him, but was also “creeped out” that Huntsman opted to use his underwear for the rescue, rather than the large pile of rope sitting next to the old well. - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|