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Tim Pawlenty abandons Presidential bid, vows to spend more time playing World of Warcraft
8/14/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty announced this morning that he is withdrawing from the 2012 Presidential race, after having finished in third place in an Iowa straw poll behind Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul. Pawlenty claims that his poor campaign performance is a clear indication that he should return to what matters most to him: playing the game World of Warcraft with his online guild-friends.
“When I first decided to run for President, I didn't realize how time-consuming it would be,” explained a disheartened Tim Pawlenty during a press conference earlier today. “I lost a lot of time that could have been better spent with my friends and family, but more importantly, I've missed out on lots of WoW [World of Warcraft] raids. My guild has a `Guild Master' officer election coming up. Hopefully I'll perform better there than I did in this real-world election.”
The straw poll puts Michele Bachmann as the frontrunner, a little more than 150 votes ahead of Ron Paul, who took second place. Tim Pawlenty managed a third-place ranking, ahead of Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, and Jon Huntsman, in that order. His strong performance during last week's debate had many Conservative analysts believing that Pawlenty could actually pull ahead in the polling, especially with such an unexpectedly strong straw-poll result. But Pawlenty had other plans.
“I miss Azeroth. All of my gear is `epic' finally, and it took a lot of heroic dungeon runs to pull off that feat. And just when I got raid-worthy, the stupid 2012 Presidential election came along. So even though I'm doing better now than I was earlier, I just don't care. I wasn't in first place in the straw poll, so that means I finally get to pull out of this and do what really matters. I want to return to World of Warcraft. I need more dots! MORE DOTS!”
Not everyone was as exuberant about Pawlenty's return to the game, however. “I really wish he wasn't coming back,” said Pawlenty's current guild master, Frozendwarf666, a level 85 dwarf paladin and the guild's lead tank. “He just irritates everyone in guild chat all day. I mean, we're all nerds, but Nightelfgoddess [Tim Pawlenty's character]? [He's] too nerdy, even for us. And we didn't even know that was a dude until today. He's one of those guys that plays video games as the sexiest chick around. It's just creepy.”
Pawlenty is rumored to be courting his Presidential campaign staff to stay on with him in an effort to win the coveted Guild Master title during the guild's upcoming election. However, Pawlenty will face stiff competition from several of his fellow guild members. A Stormwind City straw poll shows that Pawlenty is trailing significantly behind Frozendwarf666, Slaughterhouse, nelfhealer420, and Gnomebama1600. Many analysts believe that Pawlenty is simply too much of a huge nerd to win the six-month seat, and that he lacks the raiding experience, healing add-ons, and raid-quality trinkets (in-game items) necessary to trump his opponents. His fundraising efforts are also falling short, with only 27 gold, 36 silver, and 19 copper in his campaign war chest. - Return to Previous Page
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