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Texas secedes - Nobody cares
9/2/2011 8:15 AM Floyd Harden
The Texas State Legislature voted unanimously yesterday to secede from the union and establish a new nation, The United State of Texas. When secession was announced, spontaneous celebrations erupted across Texas with citizens getting drunk on Lone Star beer, bragging about how big their new country is, and shooting each other in the leg.
In stark contrast to the scenes playing out in Texas, officials in Washington D.C. reacted by collectively giving in to the overwhelming urge to yawn - an indication of the unique place Texas doesn’t hold in the national consciousness.
Upset by Washington’s tepid reaction, Texas lawmakers immediately texted their friends to make sure they knew that it was Texas’ decision to break things off with the U.S. and “anyone who says Texas got dumped is a big fat liar, lol.” Lawmakers’ friends texted back, encouraging their BFF's to be strong and reminding them that “any country would be lucky to have Texas as a state and there are plenty of fish in the Gulf, anyway. :)”
President Obama underscored the federal government’s reaction to Texas’ secession by blocking Texas on Facebook, urging Congress to declare next Wednesday “I Hate Texas Day,” and stabbing the ex-state deep in the heart by asking Puerto Rico out on a date.
After leaving “like 50 million voice mails” on President Obama’s cell phone, newly-inaugurated Texas President Rick Perry told reporters that Obama was “being way immature and he should just like grow up, okay?” Obama responded to Perry’s comments by totally messing with Texas, instructing the FBI to snoop around to see if Texas has been sleeping with Mexico and sending in Seal Team Six to TP the Alamo.
Former President George W. Bush, a resident of Texas, reportedly sent a note to President Perry urging him to erect a fence along the northern border to keep “Marekans” in search of a better life from crossing into the U.S.T. Perry demurred, reminding Bush that people looking for a better life seldom look for it in Texas. - Return to Previous Page
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