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Super Debt Committee has magic balls
8/15/2011 3:00 PM Floyd Harden
The federal government’s new Super Debt Committee began meeting in secret yesterday and has already turned to an unconventional approach to help Republican and Democratic members reach consensus. A source close to the proceedings has provided PTP with inside information on how the committee’s work is progressing.
According to the source, committee members began their work yesterday by squabbling over who was the best James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig, eventually compromising on Roger Moore and massive cuts to Veterans’ benefits. Next, members spent two hours debating whether to take a ten or a fifteen minute break, finally agreeing to take a twenty minute break and to dismantle Medicare. Later, members tackled the thorny issue of when to reconvene, with Democrats hoping to meet again in early October while Republicans pushed for taxing the crap out of every living creature in America except Republicans and Persian cats.
It was at this point in the proceedings that things took a turn for the strange. With both sides realizing that they would have to find a way to come together for the good of the country, it was suggested that each group take the unusual step of consulting their own Magic Eight Ball. Immediately, the committee was able to get down to business and take on the difficult question of tax revenues.
Asked if it was fair to raise taxes on corporate fat cats, the Democrats’ Eight Ball responded, “Depends”. Democrats took this as a maybe. The Republicans’ Eight Ball answered, “Ban Abortions” prompting Republicans to propose banning abortions while creating a Super Duper Tax Committee to study the corporate tax question. Stunned by the Republicans’ willingness to compromise, the Democrats quickly agreed to the proposal.
Next, Social Security was discussed. Both sides agreed that their Balls would be inadequate for such a contentious issue, so a Zulu Shaman was brought in to kill a vulture, examine its entrails and make the tough call. When the Shaman determined that the vulture’s entrails strongly opposed touching Social Security, Republicans killed the Shaman, examined his entrails and determined that he was a pawn of Liberal elites brought in to push a communist agenda. Democrats agreed to table Social Security until a Shaman with more centrist entrails could be found.
The committee ended its day with a vote on what font to use for their final report. After consulting the Psychic Hotline, Democrats suggested Times New Roman. Republicans went the crystal ball route, bashing Democrats over their heads with a crystal ball until they agreed to go with Franklin Gothic Demi. - Return to Previous Page
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