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Republican Oracle warns of Rick Perry prophesy
8/19/2011 8:47 AM Matt Rock -
(TAMPICO, IL) a summit of GOP Presidential candidates and key House Republicans met this morning in Tampico, Illinois, for their annual visit to the Republican Oracle. The highly-secretive event has been shrouded in mystery for decades, but this year, PTP's investigative team has managed to sneak into the summit, reporting back that the Oracle has warned that Rick Perry, if elected President, may indeed bring about a proper global apocalypse.
“The Oracle's three high priests – white men in really spiffy suits – danced around a bonfire, carrying the exhumed skulls of the Founding Fathers,” explained an anonymous PTP staffer reporting from the event (who is obviously Frank, because who else would we send into harm's way?). “They were babbling in some weird language, I couldn't make it out. Maybe it was Latin, or Canadian? Anyway, half of the people in the crowd started screaming stuff like `This is America, [expletive]! Learn to speak American!' That's when stuff really got weird.”
“The ground started to shake, and the smoke from the bonfire re-formed itself to show the face of Ronald Reagan,” explained one unlucky intern, whom we sent to the event as punishment for being an intern. “The weird smokey-spirit-thing started talking. It said that a Perry/ Bachmann ticket could actually win, if they could somehow appeal to moderates. But then it said that the world would be destroyed inside of two years if that actually happened.”
The Oracle's prophesy warned that Perry would be perceived as the second George W. Bush. The election would be shrouded in controversy, and many Americans would feel that the ballots were rigged to allow Perry to win, similar to the questions surrounding the Florida ballots in 2000, “but more intense.” The election would bring about riots in the streets of America, and within two years, the nation would go into its second civil war, with the Coastal states battling the inland states. Perry would then appear on television to try and calm everyone's nerves, but he'd accidentally belch, and then “the world would cease to be.”
“The oracle doesn't really mean anything,” claims Conservative talking head Sean Hannity. “We've never paid any attention to it before. It told Reagan not to cut taxes in the 80's, which was weird, because it was just Reagan talking to himself. It said George W. Bush shouldn't run for President. And this year, we think the oracle is wrong again. I don't even know why we listen to it. It's like visiting your parents, you know? You just need to do it and get it over with, and you can't really `not' do it, because hey, they're you're parents. It wouldn't be cool not to show up, right? But that doesn't mean they're always right. Sure, the Oracle said Bush would be a catastrophe, but he really wasn't. That's all just liberal bias in the media! Wait... who did you say you were with? How did you get in here?! Security!”
As of yet, there's no indication as to whether or not the prophecy will serve as a warning to the GOP or not. Historically, the Oracle's warnings have been ignored. It is rumored that some Conservatives, including Michele Bachmann and Dick Cheney, have been actively campaigning within the GOP to completely disavow the Oracle, claiming it has become a sanctuary for commie liberal propaganda. - Return to Previous Page
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