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In First Federal Reserve Press Conference Ever, Bernanke's Beard Shines
4/25/2011 10:22 PM J-Bone
Amidst the hustle and bustle of this year's political and cultural events, including an obnoxiously over-covered royal wedding and the release of a certain (obviously fake) birth certificate, the Federal Reserve made some news of its own.
For the first time in history, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke held a public press conference. Its purpose, according to the Chairman, was to increase the transparency of the institution that has been secretly but systematically ruining the global economy for the last few decades.
During the conference, Bernanke discussed the United States' precarious economic situation, including legitimate concerns about future inflation and a stagnating recovery. This serious conversation, however, fell on largely deaf ears. It was trumped by the beautifully manicured, pristine facial hair of the Chairman. According to one press member present, it was "absolutely glistening under the stage lights". Something about those whimsical whiskers, it seems, served to comfort those who watched the historic event.
In straw polls held just after the conference, roughly 125% of respondents said they "felt good" about the future of the U.S. economy. Wall Street, too, reacted positively to the beard, finishing the day up nearly 100 points. In a brief midday interview, NYSE floor trader Stephen Wright said, "I'm not sure why, but that dude's scruff just made me want to buy shit up."
Economists, as a response to "The Beard's" time in the spotlight and resulting fanfare, have created two separate outlooks for the U.S. economy. If the stubble remains, it is expected that the U.S. Dollar will strengthen against the faltering Euro and inflation-stricken Chinese Yuan. GDP growth, meanwhile, should increase substantially in the next few quarters. If Bernanke decides to shave, however, economists generally agree that the entire economy will collapse in flames. In a statement issued shortly after the conference, President Barack Obama urged the nation to "hide their razors". - Return to Previous Page
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