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McDonald's to add new “burger alternative” to menu inspired by Michelle Obama
8/22/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock -
(OAK BROOK, IL) McDonald's Corporation revealed this morning their newest menu item: a “healthy burger alternative” inspired by First Lady Michelle Obama. The new sandwich, which the company has dubbed “the Oburger,” will consist of an 1/8th oz. turkey patty on a whole wheat bun, with lettuce, tomato, onions, and pickles, and a non-fat honey mustard dressing. The tiny sandwich is being billed as the healthy alternative to the other, meatier burgers the restaurant sells.
“Really, we're just doing it to get the First Lady off our backs,” said McDonald's Corporation CEO James A. Skinner. “She's been promoting all of this health stuff, and it really makes our company look like public enemy number one. So if we sell a burger named after Michelle Obama, consisting of nearly no food compared to our other sandwiches, maybe she'll stop berating companies like ours.”
Some have questioned the “Americanism” of the new sandwich. “I think this burger of theirs is treasonous,” said Conservative radio talk show host Bill Rushbeck shortly after this morning's announcement. “We all know the Obamas are socialists. That makes this a commie burger with a side of flag-burning! And where's the meat? An eighth of an ounce of turkey meat? What the heck is that? I'll bet they won't even allow you to add bacon to it. This is America! Bacon is as American as apple pie! Bacon-apple pie is the most patriotic thing you could eat! I have that for breakfast every day! But that Michelle Obama wants Americans to starve. That's what commie pinko Marxists want!”
The White House seemed enthusiastic about the meal though, regardless of the simmering controversy. “We think the Oburger is a great addition to the McDonald's menu,” said an official statement from the First Lady's office. “Americans are horrifically fat. To quote Kevin Spacey, they're `orca-fat.' We know some people are upset about this burger, but heaven forbid you should eat a meal that weighs less than an overweight child and actually contains things that might be good for you. Have you been to a `Five Guys' burger establishment? Their food is great, astounding really, but holy crap, if you can eat one of those burgers in one sitting, chances are you'll be using a forklift to get to the bathroom by the time you're 35.”
Some question whether or not the burger will actually be healthy or not. “I have it on good authority that the turkey meat itself actually has more fat and bad cholesterol than a Big Mac, or Burger King's Whopper,” warned nutritionist Sally Mondale, 29, of Baltimore, Maryland. “My insider sources claim that the sandwich will be deep-fried in bacon grease and rubbed down in pork rinds for added flavor, then injected with 94% pure fryer grease to give it a little `kick.' My expert opinion? Going to a fast food restaurant in pursuit of healthy foods is sort of like smoking cigarettes to help curb your asthma. Ask your doctor if a slap in the face is right for you!” - Return to Previous Page
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