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House Democrats find new method of coping with GOP obstructionism
8/30/2011 9:00 AM Matt Rock
House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi announced this morning that Democrats have discovered a new means of dealing with the obstructionist tactics of the Right. A new group in the House of Representatives, called “Democrats In Congress Kicking Stan,” have developed a stress release system that appears to be spreading rapidly in popularity all throughout Washington.
“It's simple in design and implementation,” explained Pelosi during a press conference that was supposed to relate to a new jobs bill being presented soon. “When a Republican filibusters you, or by some other means disrupts the introduction of a new bill, you just find Stan and kick him. It's more relaxing than a message and a lot more productive than anything we're doing in Congress right now.”
Stan is a 47-year old janitor who has worked in Washington for nearly thirty years. According to various sources inside the Capitol building, Democrats first discovered the relieving, soothing qualities of kicking Stan four months ago, when House Majority leader Eric Cantor was seen slamming his foot directly into Stan's groin.
“It was an inspirational scene,” said Pelosi. “Cantor is well known for going out of his way to kick poor people directly in their nads, usually spouting a line like `get a job, charlatan!' Usually when he does it, we just point out that the person he kicked is working, and therefore, they're employed. But when he kicked Stan, and we saw him keel over the way he did, and make that signature squealing sound of his, I don't know... it was miraculous.”
Some, particularly on the Right, are bothered by the new clique formed by Democrats. “These Dicks just walk around all day kicking Stan. It isn't right,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “When Republicans kick poor people, we do it to motivate them. Why, just the other day, I kicked a homeless guy square in the junk. The next day, he went out and found a job. Well, I assume that's where he was, I didn't see him on the corner this morning. My point is, we do it to help people. Democrats just do it to feel better about failing all the time. Not cool!”
However, others argue that Stan doesn't mind. “Stan's been working here far longer than most of us in the House,” offered House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy (R-CA). “He'll still be here when we all get replaced in 2012, too. If Democrats feel that kicking a defenseless janitor in the butt, testicles, or face is the best use of their time, then by all means, let them. Because it certainly makes our job in the GOP easier. The more time they spend kicking Stan, the less time we need to spend preventing the President from actually doing his job, and kicking, screaming, and crying when things don't go our way.” - Return to Previous Page
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