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Bachmann campaign manager, deputy leave team, citing increased alien abductions
9/6/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock
Michele Bachmann's campaign manager, Ed Rollins, and his deputy manager, David Polyansky, announced late Monday that they would both be leaving the congresswoman's campaign team, after helping transform Bachmann from a fringe laughing stock into a fringe top-tier GOP primary contender. Sources claim the campaign has been “shaken to the core of lunacy” by the surprising resignations.
“I believe in Michele Bachmann. I think she could make a great President,” said Rollins when PTP contacted him by telephone. “But the bigger our campaign grows, the more members of our campaign staff end up disappearing. Running a Presidential campaign in conjunction with an alien race certainly has its benefits, but I'm worried I might be next, and from what I keep hearing, those anal probes are really, really cold!”
The Bachmann campaign started building serious momentum in late July, after reportedly signing an agreement with Bachmann's home planet, Zeeblop 92-A. According to filings made with the Federal Election Commission, The alien world promised the campaign 12c (12 space credits) in exchange for exclusive rights to abduct and anally probe Earthlings, and for America to promise the entire state of Arizona to the Zeeblopians for their intergalactic copper mining operations, the second caveat being dependent on Bachmann's victory in the 2012 Presidential election.
“Some of the nuance of the deal was lost in translation,” explained Rollins. “We thought they'd start abducting and anally-probing liberals during the campaign, and then they'd focus on illegal Mexican immigrants after Mrs. Bachmann was inaugurated. But apparently, the words we use for all of that are commonly mistranslated into `please anally probe the people on our campaign staff because their butts are juicy and packed with critical data.' Talk about a good excuse to buy one of those `Rosetta Stone' translation things, right?”
“I'm getting out before my butt gets plowed,” offered David Polyansky. “I mean, it was always a risk with that Marcus Bachmann guy roaming through the halls at campaign HQ, but these aliens... there's no love in what they do. It's like a doctor using a chainsaw made out of freezy pops to give you a prostate exam. And he's using the green ones. Nobody likes the green ones!”
“12 space credits is worth about $51.8 million in our currency, so the deal seemed pretty good at first,” said Rollins. “But the average life expectancy for Americans is 78.7 years. The average life expectancy for a Zeeblopian is 2,218.4 years. They want to find out why humans are so fragile and live such short, angry lives. I guess when it comes down to it, we should have considered that Conservatives are the most angry, hostile Americans around these days. I guess we should have seen it coming. That's the thing about anal probes, though... you never really see them coming!” - Return to Previous Page
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