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Brain-eating zombies get no help from Congress
9/8/2011 8:10 AM Floyd Harden -
Brain-eating zombies lurched into the nation’s capital yesterday in search of a meal and, like everyone else, were disappointed to find Congress back in session.
The trouble began when Rex Pendergrass, a grad student working on his PhD in genetic engineering at the University of Maryland, accidentally spilled his can of Diet Dr. Pepper into a petri dish containing fragments of DNA from an African dung beetle, a garter snake and Janice Stipple, a soccer mom from Pensacola, Florida.
The DNA fragments, combined with that refreshing, fizzy, not-too-sweet sweetness that tastes so much like the real Dr. Pepper you won’t be able to tell the difference, produced a brown, gravy-like substance with a distinct chocolate-covered-onion-rings smell that proved irresistible to Pendergrass, who gobbled up the contents of the dish like it was a plate of his mom’s famous chocolate covered onion rings smothered in brown gravy.
Pendergrass was transformed into a zombie with a taste for brains and $65 thousand dollars in student loans he’ll probably never pay back.
Soon, Pendergrass had bitten everyone working in the university’s genetics lab except for Lauren, the undergrad who never brushes her teeth. Pendergrass then went home and bit his girlfriend, Brandi “with an ‘i’ ”, who in turn bit Ned Wilton, a Canadian just down from Winnipeg for a visit, eh, who bit “Trish”, a hooker with a heart - but no brains, who bit Wanda Mercer, a parking enforcement officer who, zombie or no zombie, refuses to run while on break.
Along with a growing horde of the “life challenged”, Pendergrass was soon twitching and moaning his way to Washington, where he and his slowly-rotting companions discovered what the living have known for years: in that town, brains are scarce.
In response to the zombie threat, Congress passed legislation today banning brains from Washington altogether. - Return to Previous Page
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