Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Brain-eating zombies get no help from Congress
9/8/2011 8:10 AM Floyd Harden
Brain-eating zombies lurched into the nation’s capital yesterday in search of a meal and, like everyone else, were disappointed to find Congress back in session.
The trouble began when Rex Pendergrass, a grad student working on his PhD in genetic engineering at the University of Maryland, accidentally spilled his can of Diet Dr. Pepper into a petri dish containing fragments of DNA from an African dung beetle, a garter snake and Janice Stipple, a soccer mom from Pensacola, Florida.
The DNA fragments, combined with that refreshing, fizzy, not-too-sweet sweetness that tastes so much like the real Dr. Pepper you won’t be able to tell the difference, produced a brown, gravy-like substance with a distinct chocolate-covered-onion-rings smell that proved irresistible to Pendergrass, who gobbled up the contents of the dish like it was a plate of his mom’s famous chocolate covered onion rings smothered in brown gravy.
Pendergrass was transformed into a zombie with a taste for brains and $65 thousand dollars in student loans he’ll probably never pay back.
Soon, Pendergrass had bitten everyone working in the university’s genetics lab except for Lauren, the undergrad who never brushes her teeth. Pendergrass then went home and bit his girlfriend, Brandi “with an ‘i’ ”, who in turn bit Ned Wilton, a Canadian just down from Winnipeg for a visit, eh, who bit “Trish”, a hooker with a heart - but no brains, who bit Wanda Mercer, a parking enforcement officer who, zombie or no zombie, refuses to run while on break.
Along with a growing horde of the “life challenged”, Pendergrass was soon twitching and moaning his way to Washington, where he and his slowly-rotting companions discovered what the living have known for years: in that town, brains are scarce.
In response to the zombie threat, Congress passed legislation today banning brains from Washington altogether. - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.