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Reagan haunts Republican debate
9/10/2011 9:00 AM Floyd Harden
As if the Republican presidential candidates didn’t have enough on their plates as they compete for the chance to square off against President Obama next November, now they have the ghost of Ronald Reagan to contend with – the real ghost of Reagan, not the fictional one they’ve all been conjuring.
Things took a turn for the paranormal last Wednesday night when, during the debate held at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the candidates invoked Reagan’s name more than the three hundred and twelve times traditionally required to awaken the spirit of a dead President.
The fun began when Texas Governor Rick Perry responded to a question about the nation’s high unemployment rate by claiming “If Ronald Reagan were alive today, that is, if Obama hadn’t killed Ronald Reagan with a slingshot, Ronald Reagan would support my candidacy because, like Ronald Reagan, I more or less believe in everything Ronald Reagan believed in, especially all that crap about Ronald Reagan being a great American Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan – so help me, Ronald, uh, Ronald Reagan!”
The crowd immediately broke into the kind of delirious applause Republicans usually reserve for lethal injections, and Governor Perry punctuated his brilliant answer by crossing himself and kissing his lucky Ronald Reagan keychain. Suddenly, the PA system crackled and the stage lights took on an eerie red glow. Perry went pale, slumped over and then stood bolt upright as his eyes glazed over and an optimistic smile appeared on his face. He then spoke in a voice that those present later claimed sounded exactly like Reagan. “Well, who am I kidding? I don’t know how to run a country. I just want to ride around in Air Force One and eat pork rinds for the next few years!” Perry then collapsed unconscious.
Medical personnel rushed onstage to help Governor Perry and America was treated to some rare debate highlights as the rest of the candidates were, one by one, possessed by the spirit of Ronald Reagan. Rick Santorum jumped on Mitt Romney’s back, dug his heels in Romney’s sides and hollered “Google me, baby! Google me!” Ron Paul fired up a doobie and ordered a large sausage and pepperoni pizza from Herman Cain, and Newt Gingrich started making out with Michele Bachmann, though that could have been just Newt being Newt.
When it was all over and the other candidates had collapsed around him, only Jon Huntsman remained standing, looking contemplative and presidential behind his podium. Evidently unmoved by the spirit of the Gipper, Huntsman took a long look at the bodies strewn about in various stages of Reaganesque slumber, limbs askew, clothing torn and hair messed up.
Finally, Huntsman sighed, straightened his tie, took a sip of water and asked the question all of America was dying to have answered, “Is that Romney’s thong on Santorum’s head?” - Return to Previous Page
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