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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announces US Presidency bid
9/14/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock
Iranian President and pseudo-despot Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced on Iranian state TV this morning that he is throwing his hat, and possibly a few severed heads, into the race for the Presidency in the United States. Ahmadinejad claims he has discovered a loophole in the US Constitution that will allow him to be the unchallenged leader of both the United States and Iran simultaneously, and that none of the other contenders for the title, including President Obama himself, will “hold a candle or what's left of a man's finger” to his campaign.
“I'm going all the way baby,” Ahmadinejad proudly announced during his televised speech. “I'll be the first Arabic President of the US, and the first foreign national President since Ronald Reagan. How awesome is that? I'm totally stoked!”
Ahmadinejad claims that the Constitution of the United States contains special secret laws that can only be read if the 224 year-old document is set on fire, and then extinguished with urine. He says that he knows these secrets of the Constitution because they've been passed down for several generations through his family, originating with his great-great-great-great grandfather, Benjamin Franklin, whom Ahmadinejad claims had impregnated an Iranian woman in England not long before the Constitution was written.
The secret laws, according to Ahmadinejad, state that any direct descendant of one of the founding fathers can run for President, regardless of their nation of birth, so long as they haven't said the phrase “Death to America” in at least six months.
“I haven't said that phrase since 2009,” claims the Iranian dictator. “I've said `America should die,' and `America, death to,' and `America to death,' but not that exact phrase. Death to... psych! Oh, you really thought I was going to say it, didn't you?! `Death to America!' Hah! Err, wait. Shit! Okay, in six months, I'll be running for President! `Death to America!' Okay, starting now, for reals this time!”
Some have voiced their concerns that Ahmadinejad's claims might be nothing more than a clever ruse to force Americans set their own Constitution on fire and then urinate on it. “We have no way of verifying if Ahmadinejad's claims are true,” warns House Speaker John Boehner. “The only way to really find out is to break out a Zippo, drop-trow, and cross our fingers. We'll probably ask President Obama to do it though. It'll give us something new to complain about, that's for sure.”
“Dude, you guys think I'd be that malicious?” asked Ahmadinejad. “I mean, sure, it would be funny, but I'm totally serious. You can trust me. I haven't beheaded anyone since 3:15 pm yesterday! And besides that, I'm not saying `Death to America' anymore. Son of uh! Okay, six months, starting now!” - Return to Previous Page
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