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Michele Bachmann claims HPV vaccine to blame for verbal flubs
9/15/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock
GOP Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann announced this morning that her numerous comical and oftentimes misinforming quotes should all be blamed not on her lack of knowledge regarding history or contemporary politics, or any desire to mislead a given audience, but on her having received shots of the HPV vaccine numerous times in the past several years.
The HPV vaccine, which blocks against cervical cancer and some other ailments, was recently labeled by Bachmann as causing mental retardation in the people using it. The unwarranted comment, being void of any supporting evidence of any kind, was immediately shot down by experts and opposing candidates across the board. But Bachmann swears that her dumbest quotes of all time can all be blamed on the vaccine.
“Remember when I claimed that the founding fathers freed the slaves?” asked Bachmann during her announcement. “I had gotten a shot of the HPV vaccine earlier that same day! Coincidence? I think not! And remember when I tried to convince people that judges were demanding kids be homosexuals? HPV vaccine! Or what about the time I said that the recent east coast earthquake and hurricane Irene were God's way of telling us that liberals are all evil and our government sucks? Yep, HPV vaccine!”
As adamant as Bachmann has been regarding the vaccine's alleged side effects, some people think she only made her announcement today in an effort to make her earlier comment seem less insane, and to excuse the myriad of terribly idiotic quotes that fill out her resume. When asked if this was the case, Bachmann vehemently dismissed the question.
“On what grounds are you asking me that, MSNBC?” Bachmann asked the Fox News reporter. “Look, my quotes aren't stupid. Sure, if you Google `Michele Bachmann Quotes,' all ten of the results on the first page list stupid quotes of mine, and my Wikipedia page doesn't even come up until the second page, but that's the liberal media for you! The liberal barbarians are paid by Obama and Michael Moore and Jon Stewart to ridicule the great thinkers of our day, like me and Glenn Beck and Thomas Edison. It's all a big huge conspiracy! Soylent Green is people! Wait... darn it, HPV made me say that, too!” - Return to Previous Page
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