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Marcus Bachmann sparks new controversy with endorsement of Iowa Health Spa
9/16/2011 9:30 AM Matt Rock -
The husband of GOP Presidential primary contender Michele Bachmann has made headlines once again, this time with his controversial endorsement of a health spa in the Des Moines, Iowa area. Marcus Bachmann was stopped by a local news reporter moments after leaving the spa, and his video interview has become a viral sensation in only a few short hours.
“I don't really want to talk about the campaign,” said Bachmann, dodging a question about his wife's controversial stance on the HPV vaccine. “I'm really relaxed right now, and it's all thanks to this fantastic Des Moines spa here.” Bachmann pointed at the spa, called “Queen for a Day Health Spa,” before continuing. “They really made me feel like a Queen... err, uh, a King. Slip of the tongue there! Oopsie poopsie!”
Bachmann was excited when the reporter asked him about the spa's features, fluttering his hands in front of his face and bouncing up and down. “Ooh-ooh-ooh, let me tell you all about it, honey! So first, they give you a rub-down. Ask for Augusto, that man has the most magical hands! I had a really nasty knot in my upper thigh, and Augusto took care of that like it was nothing. He really knows how to rub one out!”
“We support local businesses, especially ones this innovative and, let's be honest here, totally fabulous,” Bachmann continued. “They've invented this special rejuvenating, exfoliating face cream that's simply marvelous. The application is surprising... you aren't expecting to take a shot in the face. But if you ever get a chance to visit, ask for Claude, and tell him you want him to squirt a hot load of his special cream in your face! You won't regret it! It's messy, but worth it! My face has never felt healthier!”
But the real pièce de résistance was, according to Bachmann, the spa's Roman-style bathhouse. “I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I first went in that room. I was nervous at first by their policy that you must be nude while in the bathhouse, but seeing the dozen or so naked men crammed in there really made me feel at ease. The water is hot and soothing, and the games they play are so fun! We played full-contact water polo, and then we played chicken. I had this guy named Tobias perched up on my shoulders, and let me tell you, he was really excited to be playing! The best part though was when Tobias and I decided to trick our rivals by having him mount me backwards, you know, on my shoulders but reverse. That really fooled the other teams!”
Marcus Bachmann didn't seem to understand why his endorsement was so controversial. “Look, there's nothing weird about a grown man having the time of his life while other skilled men rub him in ways his wife can't. This whole interview was stressful! Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need to go back inside to unwind a bit. Maybe I'll take advantage of their deal where you get an enema and a buttocks massage at the same time. That'll help me forget all about this nonsense!” - Return to Previous Page
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