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Obama's debt reduction plan calls for innovative new taxes
9/18/2011 8:30 PM Matt Rock -
President Obama announced today that while his administrative White House staff works feverishly to bring about their new jobs bill, he'll be single-handedly penning his own debt reduction plan. The President says that the new bill could have our national debt completely obliterated within five years.
“When President Eisenhower occupied my office, the tax rate for the top bracket was 90%,” President Obama explained. “We can't raise taxes these days without the right wing throwing a conniption fit, but I think we can probably find ways of taxing them without their actually realizing it.”
The President's plan, which is still in its early draft phases, will create a special 60% sales tax on golf equipment, luxury vehicles (including cars, aircraft, and yachts), filet mignon, cigars, homes costing seven figures or more, maid services, and administrative costs for anyone naming their newborn child `something that ends with III.'”
But the real ingenuity in the President's plan comes in the form of his income tax system. “I spend a lot of time around wealthy people,” President Obama said. “They may not always realize it, but they're always willing to pay more for something if they think it's special, or higher-class. So we're going to raise the income taxes for everyone earning $1 million per year or more to 70%, but tell them we're lowering their taxes to 10%.”
The President watched the confused press pool scratch their heads for a moment before continuing. “Here's where it gets clever, are you ready for it? The other 60%? We'll tell them they're special, higher-quality taxes. These taxes are flown in from the Swiss Alps, infused with endangered rafflesia flowers from the Amazon, prepared by hand by the US Women's swim team, in the buff, and then cooked in a special diamond-encrusted gold oven, fueled by humpback whale oil, before it's pan-sauteed in squirrel monkey liver oil. The final result is the ink that coke-laden supermodels use to dip their nipples in, and with that, all of the letters on the tax forms are inked.”
“Of course, none of that will actually happen,” the President warns. “But if they're willing to pay $8,000 for a cigar from Mexico that's labeled as being from Cuba, then screw it, they'll over-pay for just about anything. While we're at it, maybe we'll lie and tell them that this money won't be going toward building schools, or feeding the hungry, or giving health care to poor children and senior citizens. Let's just say the added taxes go to building new golf courses. I'll bet they won't mind paying their fair share if that's the case!” - Return to Previous Page
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