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EXCLUSIVE - Michele Bachmann pregnant with Yahweh’s love child!
9/21/2011 3:30 PM Floyd Harden
Just hours after switching to Judaism because God stopped returning her calls, Michele Bachmann announced this afternoon that she is carrying Yahweh’s love child, making her the second woman ever to experience Immaculate Conception.
Pardon The Pundit caught up with the preggers presidential candidate as she was leaving her gynecologist’s office. Between bites of her peanut butter and kosher pickle sandwich, Bachmann shared details of her just-completed ultrasound. “I knew Yahweh was the Father when the nurse showed me the picture. The kid’s hung like a horse! That sure didn’t come from my husband! Besides, for the last couple of days I’ve had this irritation, uh, down there, and if a burning bush isn’t a sign I don’t know what is!”
Religious scholar Ronald R. Whittier, author of the controversial book “God Loves a Good Joke” is skeptical of Bachmann’s claims. “Michele has a way of taking religion out of context. I wouldn’t be surprised if, in that bat-shit crazy head of hers, she really believes she’s carrying God’s child. But once again she has no idea what she’s talking about. For one thing, there’s no difference between the Old Testament God and the New Testament God, except that with the coming of Jesus, the New Testament version mellowed a little. If you ask me, God’s just fucking with her bat-shit crazy head.”
Bachmann insists she is pregnant and that Yahweh is the Father. “A woman has a way of knowing these things. It’s like when Martha Stewart got me pregnant - I just knew. And I could tell right away when Abe Lincoln’s ghost knocked me up. Or that time I drank a glass of chocolate milk and woke up the next day just knowing I was Nestle’s Quik with child. And then there was the time I got myself pregnant and gave birth to me. Some miracle! Oy vey! When I saw my terrifying eyes and frighteningly wide smile for the first time, I remember thinking, holy cow, I really should stop masturbating on Sundays!” - Return to Previous Page
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