Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Herman Cain wins straw poll, voters ask for a re-do after press conference
9/24/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
GOP Presidential contender and former Godfather's Pizza CEO Herman Cain surprisingly trumped his rivals in today's Florida Straw Poll, crushing his opponents with a dominating victory. However, his strong polling results may be in jeopardy after countless poll participants asked for a mulligan upon realizing who Cain actually was.
“What? Herman Cain? I thought I was voting for John McCain. Crap! Can I do that over?” Asked Shelly Moss, 44, of Jacksonville Florida. “I don't even know who Herman Cain is! I hope it isn't too late to switch my vote. Is Ronald Reagan running this year?”
“Holy cattle-farts! He's BLACK?!?” shouted an astonished Mark King, 59, of Orlando. “His name is Herman? Herman the black GOP Presidential candidate? Holy flippin' freakin' JESUS, I didn't see THAT coming! I... uh... um... want to do the vote over, because... uh... well, I... uh... I meant to mark down Perry. Yeah, Perry! Woops! Guess I'll need to vote over again!”
Some people did, in fact, actually opt to vote for Cain intentionally, however. “I voted for Herman Cain because he seems like a nice guy,” said Mohammad Asir, 37, of Tampa. “I'm a Conservative Muslim, as rare as that is these days, and I feel that Herman Cain is the best person for the job. Bachmann, Perry, Paul, they're all crazy, or ignorant, or some mix of the two. Cain is the only sane one!”
When PTP's field reporter explained to Mr. Asir that Herman Cain has in fact made volatile statements about Muslims, claiming he would never allow a Muslim into his cabinet if he were elected President, Mr. Asir's views changed instantly. “He said WHAT?! What the hell! Is there no one I can vote for? Us real Conservatives, the sane ones, have been muscled out by lunatic radical fundamentalists! Screw it! I give up! I'm voting for Obama! Is it too late to take my straw poll vote back?” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Hal Sparks Live at the Drafthouse
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|