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Obama Proposes Bike Subsides to Reduce Gas Prices
5/16/2011 7:29 AM Coyle -
With gas prices over $4 a gallon across the country, President Barack Obama has offered his latest solution to stem the price increase: bicycle subsidies. The proposal, nicknamed “Swag for Schwinns” by its proponents in the White House, would offer tax credits of up to $500 for the purchase of a new bicycle.
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney noted that the proposal was in line with President Obama's long-term goal of moving towards alternative energy sources. “The president has long decried our dependence on foreign oil,” said Carney during a midday press conference. “When people buy a bicycle, they are no longer beholden to the foreign dictators that we put into power.”
The idea was first suggested by First Lady Michelle Obama, who has campaigned relentlessly against childhood obesity. She hopes that by subsidizing bicycles, more people will be encouraged to exercise by riding their bikes to work. In an interview on the CBS Evening News, the First Lady explained, “Not only will we stop global warming, we will be making people healthier in the process. It's the best idea I've ever had. And that's not just because it's the only idea I've ever had.”
Economist Paul Krugman concurs that this is a sound policy recommendation. “In a weak economy, we can't afford not to stimulate demand by subsidizing bicycles. Besides, cars constitute the most serious long-term threat to the solvency of our health care system.” When asked for clarification on that point, he expanded, “Seriously? Have you gone to the beach lately? It's disgusting. Just the sight of all those fat people makes me sad. That's the worst negative externality I've ever seen.”
Indeed, economists at the Congressional Budget Office have released a preliminary report suggesting that the bicycle subsidies would eliminate the entire $1.6 trillion budget deficit in nine months. With people biking everywhere, Americans would be in great shape and no longer in need of health care. The report says that “the Medicare and Medicaid problems would be fixed overnight.”
However, the House Republican leadership immediately protested the proposal, calling it another attack on America's freedom “to be as fat as we want to be, just like our Founders intended.” Speaker of the House John Boehner continued, “We can't understand why the president is continuing to pursue his failed energy policies. The only way to solve this crisis is to put a couple hundred oil rigs in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and start drilling like there's no tomorrow. Because if we get our ideas passed into law, there likely won't be a tomorrow.”
Republicans emphasized that drilling in ANWR would solve the food crisis as well. As former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin suggested, “If we just take all the caribou that die because of the oil rigs along with all the caribou I personally shoot on my television show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' we'll have enough meat to feed everybody. The price of food will fall and everyone will be happy. Except for the caribou, of course. But who cares about them? Did I mention that I have a television show? Sundays at 9 on TLC. Please watch it. It's all I have anymore now that Trump has stolen all my thunder as the craziest Republican ever.”
Other Republicans saw more sinister motives in the proposal. As House Majority Leader Eric Cantor pointed out, “Do you know who else likes bicycles? That's right, the Chinese. This subsidy is going to destroy American jobs and move us one step closer to the president's communist utopia that he's been dreaming of since he was a little boy growing up in Kenya, er, I mean Hawaii.” - Return to Previous Page
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