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The American Dream, dead at age 235
10/9/2011 8:05 PM Matt Rock
Every so often, a news story comes along where the staff here at PTP is so moved, so saddened, that we can only treat it delicately and with as serious a tone as we can muster. This is not an article of satire, but one of great reflection and sadness. And so, it is with a heavy heart that we must report to you, our loyal readers, that The American Dream sadly passed away this evening. She was 235 years young.
The American Dream, or “AD” as her close friends knew her, has been battling a myriad of terminal illnesses for the past decade. Her doctors spent all of their time bickering over who should get the biggest piece of her insurance money, while callously watching her slip away.
“Some jerk told me I was standing on her breathing tube, heh-heh-heh,” said former President George W. Bush, through a written statement issued upon learning of AD's tragic passing. “I was like, `breathing tube? What in tarnation are you talkin' about?' People breathe through their mouths, and sometimes the other thing, you know, the thing that smells. They don't breathe through tubes! Kooky medical people, thinkin' people breathe through tubes. Heck, maybe I should be a doctor. Hey Laura! Wanna play doctor? Heh-heh-heh.”
“I did everything I could to save her,” said current President Barack Obama. “I caved on the health bill, I caved on the environment, I'm probably about to cave on jobs... how much can one man cave in a single Presidential term? I wish there was something more I could have done, but I ran out of things to cave on. I deeply regret there wasn't more to cave on. I'll try to cave twice as much in my second term, though. You are giving me a second term, right America?”
The American Dream is survived by her triplet sibling, The American Spirit. Their other sibling, American Ingenuity, passed away in 1990, shortly after inventing the commercial version of the Internet with Al Gore. A ceremony will be held for AD in Washington DC, but insiders claim that the only individuals that will be invited to the event will be Wall Street executives, politicians, and Andy Dick, who seems to always show up when you don't want him around. - Return to Previous Page
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