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Bank of America to offer new “Occupy My Wallet” credit card
10/12/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock
Bank of America announced tonight that this Monday, they'll release a new credit card “in honor” of the Occupy Wall Street (or “OWS”) movement, claiming the new financial product is “designed to show solidarity with their cause.” Some predict the financial giant may have ulterior motives in issuing the card, though Bank of America claims they “have seen the error of their ways,” and are now throwing 100% of their support behind the 99% crowd.
“We didn't realize what massive jerks we've been in the past. Hopefully, this new credit card offering will change that,” explained a press release from the Board of Directors at the company. “Bank of America wants the `OWS' movement to succeed, and we're willing to help however we can.”
The card will be issued to protesters starting next week, with an absurdly-low interest rate, more cash-back than most other cards, and a revolutionary new “automated coupon” system that will only charge the cardholder 50% of the purchase price when shopping at Hot Topic, Journey's, Starbucks, or anywhere ironic T-shirts and/ or marijuana-smoking paraphernalia are sold.
Not everyone is excited about the new offering from Bank of America, however. “Employees handling the cards have keeled over and died within hours of putting them in their wallets,” said an anonymous Bank of America employee. “I think the brass might be infusing these cards with cyanide or anthrax or something. Everyone who goes near them dies. They're dropping like flies at the card-making factory! What's in YOUR wallet? I know... plastic death!”
Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan scoffed at the accusation. “That claim is ludicrous. Why would we want to kill our customers? Besides, how could we inject two grams of anthrax into heat-activated porous plastic and manufacture it at low temperature to make the world's most lethal credit cards? Are you accusing us of giving out credit cards in the hopes of killing the protesters outside? How dare you! We won't let you print that! Hey, before you leave... want a credit card?” - Return to Previous Page
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