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New poll finds “Occupy” protesters are sexier than Tea Partiers
10/14/2011 10:14 AM Matt Rock
A new Gallup/ Rasmussen/ USA Today/ GQ poll reveals that a majority of Americans feel the demonstrators involved in the “Occupy Wall Street” protests are considerably more attractive than the Town hall- storming Tea Partiers.
84% of respondents claim they'd sleep with an “OWS” protester over a Tea Partier. Of those who said they'd prefer sleeping with an Occupier, 97% say they'd only do it if said Occupier showered and slapped on some deodorant first. Of all the respondents, 92% feel that both types of protester smell like feces and gym socks, though 44% claim the Tea Partiers don't have a choice in the matter, due to their age.
“I would totally go for a hot Occupy protest chick,” said a 24-year old man who identified himself only as “Jack,” whom we stopped on the street a few blocks from PTP's DC offices. “They're the kind of girls I'm into, you know? Facial piercings, hairy legs, tattoos... that's sort of my thing. At least, it is now that I'm not a Mormon anymore. Where can I score some drugs around here?”
“There's something really sexy about a guy who knows what his beliefs are,” said April Packard, 33, whom we also stopped on the street. “I'm not sure if I'd actually go all the way with him, though. I hear those protesters are carrying around jars of their own poo. That's sort of a deal-breaker I think.”
Some of the people we spoke with today said they'd prefer a Tea Partier. “Let me tell you sonny, some of them Tea Party women, woo-nelly!” said a cheery Walter Finnigan, 78. “I'd make whoopee all over the place with some of them! You know what I'm talking about, don't you boy-o? The sort of dame you take your teeth out for! The sort of lady who makes another hip replacement surgery worth it! I'm talking about one hot GILF! Grandma I'd like to...” We decided to end our interview with Mr. Finnigan as quickly as we could at that point, to make time for all the showering we'd need. - Return to Previous Page
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