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Rand Paul candidacy announcement foiled by toupee
10/19/2011 3:00 PM Matt Rock
Senator Rand Paul took to a podium in New Hampshire hours ago, seemingly prepared to run for President in 2012 and enter the race shortly ahead of the October 31st GOP primary filing deadline, despite his own father, Ron Paul, already running for the same job. However, the Tea Party favorite saw his dreams – and his hairpiece – dashed when forces unknown turned on the building's central heating system.
“Folks, the time for change is now!” chanted Rand Paul, riling up the audience as he stood beneath a “Rand Paul 2012” banner... as well as a large air duct. “We need real change in Washington, and I'm here to make that happen! Screw my dad! I'm Rand Paul, and I'm running for Pres...”
At that moment, the wooshing sound of the building's central heating and air system could be heard passively, and a gust of wind blew down on the unsuspecting Paul. Soon, his toupee started flopping around on his head, but the unwary Paul continued his speech, completely oblivious to the campaign catastrophe set to unfold.
“The changes we need are many, and the time for action is now! We need fewer regulations! Lower taxes! A ban on gay marriage! A repeal of Roe V. Wade! And if we shouldn't arm every man, woman, and child in the United States with an American-made firearm, then may God strike me down where I stand!”
Just then, the toupee folded down to cover Rand Paul's face. The shock of what was happening led him to gasp, which in turn resulted in his choking on the hairpiece. Waving his arms around in circles and bumbling around on stage in a panic, Paul soon found himself tumbling off the stage and landing in the orchestra pit, where his nose ran down a xylophone. Luckily for him, a man in the orchestra was able to administer the Heimlich maneuver before the situation got much worse, timing his rhythm by tapping his foot.
Rand Paul nearly got back up on stage to continue his announcement, but when he learned that the man that had saved him was gay, Paul decided to hang his head shamefully and leave the building, knowing that Republicans can't win elections after such close encounters with homosexuals, especially when thrusting and foot-tapping is involved. With this, Rand Paul's Presidential aspirations came and went.
Witnesses claim an elderly gentleman, who looked surprisingly like Ron Paul but dressed as a janitor, was seen fiddling with the building's thermostat moments before Rand Paul took the stage. They also report that someone who looked “quite a bit like Michele Bachmann” was apparently alongside him, and fled the scene with him shortly after the toupee debacle began. - Return to Previous Page
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