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Sarah Palin survives helicopter crash while helping hunt escaped zoo animals
10/19/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former half-term governor and would-be Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin held a press conference earlier today from Bethesda Hospital in Muskingum County, Ohio, where she was admitted this afternoon after managing to walk away from a helicopter crash that killed one pilot and injured several others.
“I'm, you know, really blessed to still be alive, you betcha,” said a visibly-shaken Palin. “The helicopter went all rogue and almost killed this momma grizzly, while I was, you know, trying to shoot and kill momma grizzlies. Thank God I'm such a maverick, don't-cha-know, I almost saw hell from some random American hero's porch!”
Palin arrived in Muskingum this afternoon via a large VIP bus wrapped in the American flag on the front half, and the Constitution on the back half, apparently continuing her non-presidential campaign to keep obnoxiously reminding Americans that Sarah Palin still exists. Hearing news of the large private zoo-break that took place earlier today, in which the local Sheriff ordered his officers to shoot and kill dozens upon dozens of animals, some of which were endangered species, Palin was quick to offer up her services.
“Palin came up to us with a rifle slung over her shoulder, and a helicopter landed right behind her,” said Sheriff Matt Lutz, the giant douche who ordered the execution of nearly 50 animals in the Ohio woods. “She said something like `okay boys, Let me show you how to do this in Sarah Palin's Alaska, you betcha!' I was really impressed. Of course, I would be, being that I'm a massive douche who orders police to fire on unsuspecting baboons that escaped from a zoo. Why am I not going to jail for this?”
Authorities aren't sure what caused the helicopter to crash. The FAA and FBI are currently working together to recover and examine the chopper's black box to see if they might learn anything of value from it. As of this hour, however, authorities presume that the pilot was nothing more than a typical American who was fed up with hearing Sarah Palin blabber incoherently, and decided it was better to crash his helicopter than listen to Palin say the word “government” again. - Return to Previous Page
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