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Cain promises if he is elected all Americans will get their pizza in 30 minutes OR ELSE
11/13/2011 8:45 AM Alyson Durden -
Current presidential candidate and former pizza mogul Herman Cain announced that if he is elected, Americans will get any pizza they order in 30 minutes or else.
“My friends, I know a lot of you are hungry. Hungry for change and hungry for that pizza you ordered. I also know that many of you don’t have a job. Recently I got into some hot water for suggesting that if you do not have a job, it’s your fault. But that got me to thinking. Maybe you aren’t the lazy slobs I had thought you were, but maybe there are no pizza delivery opportunities for you. I propose a pizza exception to my opposition to stimulus packages. I propose a package to help pizza stores hire more delivery people, and that will mean your pizza will be on time,” the candidate said in a speech in Iowa, a state with notoriously slow pizza delivery times. “And if your pizza isn’t on time? After three strikes, that driver will be executed. We won’t tolerate lay-abouts in my administration.”
When asked if that policy might be both unfeasible and harsh, a campaign spokesperson replied “C’mon, you don’t really get pissed when your pizza is late? This will mean it never will be. This kills two birds with one stone, we get more jobs and on-time-pizza. Who opposes that?”
Even supporters of other GOP candidates were enthusiastic about the proposal. “President Obama gives us good speeches and no jobs. Here we get jobs AND pizza. That’s awesome.”
Democratic strategists would only tell us, “We’re not going near this.” - Return to Previous Page
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