Pardon The Pundit News Feed
Earth Fails to Explode After U.S. Reaches Debt Limit
5/31/2011 8:25 AM Coyle
When the United States reached its federal debt ceiling of $14.3 trillion this week, Americans looked on in horror as they awaited the catastrophic consequences that would wreak havoc upon the world. However, despite the dire prognostications by many of the leading scientists across the globe, the world did not blow up on Monday.
Scientists were very concerned that the sheer weight of the U.S. government debt would crack the earth's crust, causing the world to collapse. As the collapse accelerated, they believed, the increased pressure at the earth's core would cause fusion reactions to take place. At this point, it was feared that the massive release of energy from those reactions would induce an explosion that would destroy the earth and exterminate all life.
After it was clear that the world would not be exploding, scientists were at a loss to explain why it did not occur. David Gross, winner of the 2004 Nobel Prize in Physics, attempted to make sense of it all. “I just don't get it. Maybe I forgot to carry that three in the equation or something. I knew I should have used a calculator.”
However, Republican leaders in Congress warned that the American people must remain vigilant, arguing that the calamity was only delayed, not averted. “Every day, the debt just keeps on going higher, putting even more strain on the earth,” noted Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann. “One day, the weight is just going to be too great. Apparently, our president just doesn’t care if we all die.”
When asked if she would be willing to support tax increases as part of a compromise to help save the earth, she replied, “Of course not. Everybody knows that the earth's core becomes very unstable when marginal tax rates for the top one percent are above 30 percent. That's just common sense.”
Meanwhile, other Republicans criticized the scientists who failed to develop models accurate enough to find the specific date of the explosion. “That's the last time I listen to these nerds in white coats,” gloated Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin. “However, I guess it isn't all that surprising that they screwed up yet again. After all, these are the people who believe in global warming and evolution. What are they going to come up with next: that the earth revolves around the sun? Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining!” - Return to Previous Page
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media
© PardonThePundit - ABOUT
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.