Pardon The Pundit News Feed
“Republiclone” latest candidate to contend for Republican nomination
11/4/2011 8:20 PM Floyd Harden -
In a move seen as an act of desperation on the part of the GOP, the Party leadership has turned to science to help them in their ongoing search for a candidate who isn’t Mitt Romney. Pardon the Pundit has learned that the Republican National Committee has used DNA taken from several of the candidates fighting for the Republican presidential nomination to genetically engineer a super-candidate capable of rallying the party faithful and crushing Barack Obama in the general election next November.
Heading up the RNC’s top secret “Republiclone” program is Cornell University professor, Dr. Peter Sarlov, who, after witnessing the birth of the hideous creature he and his team created, decided to break his silence and tell PTP about the nomination abomination that will soon be unleashed upon America.
According to Sarlov, the creature was grown by injecting DNA taken from Rick Perry, Jon Huntsman, Herman Cain, Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich into the embryo of a red-eyed tree frog, which was then subjected to high doses of gamma radiation and fed a steady diet of glucose and pork rinds dipped in ranch dressing. “Yeah, we went with those five candidates because each has at least one characteristic that makes him appealing to both the Republican base and sane people. It turns out, in a general election, sane people make up a significant portion of the electorate, or so I’m told. But instead of getting a candidate capable of winning the general election, we ended up with a hideous monster.
“The moment it became self-aware, the creature proposed declaring February 2nd February 3rd, cutting taxes on the wealthy, bombing Los Angeles using homeless people dropped from B-52’s, legalizing rape in the case of she was asking for it when she took that job at Godfather’s Pizza, and declaring February 3rd February 2nd. My God! This thing is the perfect Republican primary candidate! It must be stopped before the entire Republican base rallies behind it and hands it the nomination!”
When PTP asked why Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann’s DNA weren’t used, Dr. Sarlov wiped away a tear, blew his nose and chuckled wryly, “Please! Even Republicans draw the line somewhere!” - Return to Previous Page
|
|
|
|
ARCHIVES
ADVERTISING - COMEDY AT THE ARLINGTON DRAFTHOUSE
Cool Cow Comedy Showcase in The Green Room - ONLY $10 (Featuring Ryan Conner)
Jay Pharoah from Saturday Night Live at the Arlington Drafthouse
Steve Lemme and Kevin Heffernan from Super Troopers and Beerfest
Cinematic Titanic (Creators of Mystery Science Theater) LIVE at the Arlington Drafthouse
Porkchop Volcano - Live Short Form Improv Comedy in The Green Room - FREE ADMISSION
Matt Braunger from Letterman, The Tonight Show and MADtv at the Arlington Drafthouse
Neal Brennan Co-Creator of Chappelle’s Show at the Arlington Drafthouse
Powered By Hypertext Media© PardonThePundit - ABOUT | JOIN | TERMS
Pardon The Pundit is a political satire publication that parodies the news and creates fake news. None of our postings should be regarded as truthful,
and none of our references of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm. We are just ridiculous.
|