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Herman Cain exposes truth, self, during press conference
11/8/2011 8:01 PM Matt Rock -
At a press conference held this afternoon in Scottsdale Arizona, GOP presidential contender Herman Cain addressed the accusations of four women claiming the former President of the National Restaurant Association sexually harassed them during his tenure there.
“These accusations are patently false,” said Cain, who answered a round of questions from the media. “I do not recall having ever sexually harassed any women, and if I don't remember it, it obviously didn't happen. Furthermore, I believe accusations are wrong, and I accuse the Democrats of accusing me of accusing them of accusing themselves so these women could accuse me of things I didn't accuse myself of. It doesn't get much more straightforward than that.”
When asked by a reporter what allegations were brought against him in the past, Cain was quick to deny remembering anything. “I do not recall what allegations were specifically made, if any were made at all. I honestly do not recall any situation wherein I ever told a woman that `once you go black, you never go back, and once you go Cain, you never walk the same.' 'Cain' ends in an 'N' sound, and 'same' ends in an 'M' sound. That doesn't even properly rhyme!”
Before anyone could ask more questions, Cain unzipped his trousers and exposed himself on live television. “I mean really, look at this. Could you imagine me ever whipping this out in front of two women at the same time and asking them if they'd like sausage with that? Ludicrous! I do not recall having ever painted hair and glasses onto my penis and asking women if they'd like to kiss former Republican chairman Michael Steele. That's preposterous! Who would even think of doing something like that? What sort of sexual deviant do you think I am?!”
In a related story, 32 reporters and 41 press photographers are expected to file sexual harassment lawsuits against Herman Cain in the next two weeks. The Cain campaign reacted to the news with a print statement, which simply reads: “Herman Cain does not recall exposing himself on live television in front of a full press pool on November 8th of 2011 at approximately 3:17 pm local time, 5:17 pm Eastern Standard Time. These accusations are patently false and are being drummed up by the Democratic machine! Conspiracy we tells ya, conspiracy!” - Return to Previous Page
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