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Sarah Palin starts new book, God unleashes snowy hurricane on Alaska
11/9/2011 8:00 PM Matt Rock -
Former half-term Alaska Governor Sarah Palin began working on a new book this morning, only minutes prior to the biggest storm in Alaska's history reaching its shores. While most media outlets are certain these two stories are completely unrelated, PTP has learned that God has in fact unleashed the storm in the hopes of stopping her new book “before it's too late.”
“I heard she was starting a new book, and I was like `whaaat? Screw that noise,'” said God, age N/A, of Heaven, Afterlife. “I'm fed up with these jerkwater Republican sleazeballs claiming they talk to me, and they do this and that in my name. When [Archangel] Michael told me what she was up to, I said `no effing way dawg, let's ice this woman... literally!' Imagine her face when a [expletive] hurricane opened up on her [expletive]!”
The bizarre hurricane-like snow storm erupted over the State of Alaska and Canada's British Columbia early Wednesday, disrupting power and communications and causing widespread damage all along the coast. Area residents claim it's the worst storm any has seen in their lifetimes, but when they heard why it was happening, they seemed to understand God's thinking.
“She was the crappiest Governor we done ever had in Alaska,” said Wallace T. Brubaker, 64, of Anchorage. “I ain't all too happy that God is unleashing his wrath on all of Alaska just to keep her from writing another meaningless tome of ignorant, self-glorifying, rhetoric-fueled hyperbole, but we did elect the woman, and that means we helped shove her into the national spotlight, so I suppose you reap what you sow.”
Reports indicate that Palin tried continuing work on her book amidst the storm, forcing God to direct his attack on Alaska's infrastructure, targeting power lines. When she broke out a legal pad and candles, he attacked with 100+ mph winds, to which she responded by entering her basement. Out of options, God assaulted the house with tornadoes and an icy tsunami. The Palin house has since been reduced to rubble. Many analysts claim that this destruction has resulted in Palin being able to clearly see Russia from her front porch now, since much of said porch has actually been picked up and moved into Alaska. Palin and her family are fine, however, according to authorities. Well, they're alive and healthy... we can't really say they're “fine.” This is the Palin family we're talking about here. But whatever, you get the idea. - Return to Previous Page
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