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Santorum kicks off weekend bender to strengthen polling
11/11/2011 8:10 PM Matt Rock -
Rick Santorum announced this evening that starting tonight, he'll be kicking off a weekend-long full-blown bender in the hopes of improving his ranking in the GOP presidential polls. The former Pennsylvania Senator, inspired by Herman Cain's growing popularity despite having been recently accused by multiple women of sexual harassment, says the drug, booze, and sex will be a small price to pay for winning the GOP primary.
“I think this is a rock-solid plan,” said Santorum during a press conference in New Hampshire an hour before this article went to print. “Look at Herman Cain. The guy is being accused by not one, not two, but four – count them, four – women of sexual harassment. He came right out and said more women would accuse him, too, and his lawyer warned them to `think twice' before doing it. And that sleazy deviant saw his numbers go up, and people applauded him for it at that last GOP debate!”
“I learned something from Herman Cain,” Santorum continued, after wiping a frothy brown substance from his nose. “Conservative voters want a candidate with bad ideas and a disgusting track record of vileness. I'm already half-way through the latter, and by the end of this weekend, I'll have sealed the deal.”
Santorum's campaign manager Mike Biundo outlined Santorum's plans in a press statement released to the press. He'll start the party off this evening at a strip club in Concord, New Hampshire, where he'll snort blow off a bathroom toilet, beat up a prostitute, stab a bouncer, and prank call the Romney campaign headquarters. Tomorrow morning, he'll wake up in a dumpster in New York City, shoot heroine with nude supermodels, and then party all day with Paris Hilton, the Olsen twins, and Justin Bieber. Sunday morning, he'll sleep with Madonna, which in and of itself will cover him for that full day.
“I really need to do something drastic to make my polling numbers look better,” Santorum claimed as he wrapped up his press conference. “It's been a really rough campaign for me, and unlike Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich, I actually really do want to be President. But it's an uphill battle for someone whose name is `Santorum.' If you don't know what that word means, Google it. That'll tell you why I'm not leading this race... and why I need to do what I will this weekend.” - Return to Previous Page
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