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Ron Paul dominates polls with new 'Gandalf' gimmick
11/15/2011 8:10 PM Will Daring -
Republican Congressmen and presidential candidate Ron Paul was finally informed by senior members of his staff of the uncanny resemblance he bears to Tolkien's iconic White Wizard. Commenting that he'd "never seen a picture of the dude," Paul looked to be in awe of the implications when shown a movie still from Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy.
The excited congressmen held an impromptu press conference where he approached the microphone through a huge forest-green pair of curtains adorned with gold-trimmed letters of an unknown and exotic design. Annie Lennox's "Into the West" played softly in the background as an aide took Paul's cloak and handed him a lit pipe carved in the shape of an intimidating flying reptile.
Paul began stroking his ridiculously fake beard while his fingers tightly gripped the shaft of his walking staff. He paused for a moment to adjust his large, bent, conical hat and began to speak. "Welcome friends of all lands. Welcome people of the forests and the plains. I come to you at the turn of the tide. I come to tell you what I will say to bills that do not embrace the best interests of the American people. I will say four simple words."
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Paul struck his staff down violently and flinched for a moment as he kinked his neck.
Immediately, Paul's position in the polls exploded to the very top, leaving other candidates wondering if it was even worth the bother anymore.
A family member wishing to remain anonymous voiced his concern that Paul was taking the gimmick too far. "You don't have to live with him every day. `You shall not pass.' It's nonstop. He says it to customers walking down the aisle in Publix. He says it to his grandson when he's studying for a test. He said it to my kidney stones for goodness' sake." - Return to Previous Page
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