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Congress Strikes Back, Legalizes Corruption
11/18/2011 8:00 PM Will Daring
In a brilliant move that dealt a stunning blow to OWS protesters and left countless Americans shocked and outraged, Congress decided by unanimous vote to declare corruption not only legal, but an expected part of the political process.
Fielding questions from reporters, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney failed to suppress a giggle as he stated that members of Congress who voted for the bill wished to remain anonymous. When asked about the implications for the future of the nation, Carney responded, "Nothing's going to change really, it's just a stopgap measure to keep everything running smoothly until we can figure out how to get away with murder. Not in the figure of speech kind of way either, I'm talking about actual murder."
When asked if it would affect his decision to compete for Ohio's 9th congressional district, Sam 'Joe the Plumber' Wurzelbacher commented "although this turn of events deeply saddens me, and I feel dirty for participating in such a shameful system of government, I feel the fight must be taken to them directly. I'm not going to let those people, the same people who say I look like Stone Cold Steve Austin and that dude from The Shield had a baby, ruin this nation."
Michele Bachmann, in an attempt to make herself relevant again, denied voting for the bill and pointed out that the passing of the law came about after members of Congress were inoculated with the most recent flu vaccine, proving that vaccines "caused HPV, rampant homosexuality and mental dephishunsees."
It was only later, during an impromptu spelling-bee between Bachmann and presidential hopeful Rick Perry, that voters discovered her interpretation of the aforementioned word. Perry, losing his chance to win by botching "cheese," conceded the victory when Michele finished him off with "irregardless." - Return to Previous Page
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